Thankful

A while back, I went through what is probably the worst time of my life. It devastated me, but i also forced me to reevaluate my life. After the initial trauma subsided, I decided I was worth more than I had always sought out and I started thinking about what I wanted and needed from life. I asked myself what were the things that sustained me, and what were the things that would be most important. Some things stayed the same, while others changed.

I'd always wanted a relationship with someone I could be happy with, even if we were homeless or the last people on Earth. I also wanted to be generally a happy person, knowing what real happiness felt like. I wanted to go to school and learn, and find a way to not only practice my faith, but live it too. And I wanted my family with me (the ones I had already, and any more I may find).

One day, I sat and thought about the person I'd want to end up with. I confess, it's because I had signed up to a few dating sites to see if I could still even attract someone. I did, but they weren't necessarily people I wanted to be with. I ended up making a rough list of what the perfect man for me would be. It ranged from the superficial right on through to the very deep.

But the list didn't come completely out of my head. I thought back to everything I had ever been attracted to in people, as well as what I wished people I had been with were like, but also I remembered back to a few dreams I had had throughout my life. These dreams were wonderful and happy dreams that would depress me when I woke up realising they weren't real. Through all of this, I decided I wanted him to be between 31-39 yeas old, have long hair (I've always loved a longhair, but ended up with short haired men), facial hair (preferably an epic Viking beard), would either have reddish or black hair, Have tattoos, be taller than me, like metal music, enjoy at least some of the same books and music I do, and enjoy being outside. He should be intelligent and able to have conversations, but also someone who wouldn't use his intelligence to make others feel inferior. He should be an artist or a musician, someone who is creative. I wanted him to be open with his emotions, kind, loving, not afraid to kiss me in public, and for him to be able to understand me and I, him. I wanted a Heathen that I could share my faith with, and someone with similar values and views that I could share my life with. I hoped he wouldn't have kids yet, and I wanted him to be a non-smoker. This isn't the entire list, as I did it in my head, but that's the gist of it. I didn't expect I'd find even half of that in one person, but it was good to have an idea.

I found that there were two dating sites devoted to people who liked metal. I created profiles on both of them, not necessarily expecting much. There were under 1000 people on each at the time, and many of the people were in Europe. I did talk to a few people that were either too young, too far away, or I just wasn't interested in beyond friendship. I made some short term friends, and one long term one through the experience. But one day, someone popped up on the new members of one of the sites. He was gorgeous with the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. When I read his profile, I saw how much we had in common and how much of my little list he met. and I hoped he would contact me. I was afraid to send the email myself, but I was interested enough that I decided I would if I hadn't heard from him in a few days. The next day, there was a message on the site. I checked and it was from him. We emailed for a long time and I found just how deep the similarities went.

The rest of this story is known by anyone who may have read more of this, because this man is the man who, on a bridge overlooking a river in Pittsburgh on a hot July night, kissed me for the first time and changed my life.

I'm so thankful for him, his love, and the way he believes in me. I am thankful that he has let me be a part of his life. I'm thankful for what we have now, and for the promise that our future holds. I'm thankful that I've got happiness with him, and that I have someone I would be happy with, even if we were the last people on Earth.

Tomorrow, I'll look at you, my Love, and give thanks for all that you are to me. I will hold your hand and be thankful for all the ways you've changed me, and my life, for the better. I'll also hope that I bring you even half the joy you bring me.

Lighting Up The Season

My laptop isn't booting up, so I've been a bit less online lately. The desktop is still in NJ at the moment, so I'm limited to using J's computer when he's not using it.

This past Friday, we went to Pittsburgh's Christmas lighting events around town. It was so wonderful walking around with him through the streets of our city. The magic of the holiday lights, the realization that I live here now, and being on his arm was almost overwhelming. I had several moments when I unconsciously drifted into the "visitor" feeling, then I would look around the crowd and see people who probably came in from the suburbs. It would hit me that my home, OUR home wasn't that far away from the festivities.

One moment in particular really stood out in regard to the "Oh my goodness, this is my home!" feeling. We had gone back to Market Square after the lights had been turned on. We saw the city's tree off to one side, and there were lights everywhere in the square itself. As I stood there with my Love's arms wrapped around me, I took in the lights and felt the familiar warmth that usually comes with the season start to come over me. As the lights began to dance with the music, it all felt so foreign. The place, the people,  the feel, everything. It wasn't bad, just different. He pointed out a group of people on a roof, sitting around a large lit tree and I said to myself  "How fortunate they are to live here". Then it hit me again that I live here too. I closed my eyes and leaned my head on his shoulder and I remembered that was home, no matter where we are. But we're here and it's perfect.

As I stood there, I wished my Mother was there too. She would enjoy the lights of the city, I think. I wish she and Papa-L could come to visit. I actually know where I'm going to show them around, and I do miss them. The holidays always make me think about how few people I have left in my life. But on the other side, I also think about how extraordinary those people that I do have are. I have a few family members, but they're amazing, my few friends are fantastic, and my Beloved is everything I have ever wanted.

I have times when I miss people, places, smells, feelings. I was thinking about how I actually kind of miss going to Chili's with the boys, and even "Farva" being rotten to me. He's my oldest friend and, while he was a pain in the ass now and again, he still would do whatever he could to help me, and anyone. We've laughed a lot in the almost 15 years that we've known each other. We've been mistaken for siblings because of how we go on. And in a way, he IS my brother. Nothing was ever such a big issue that it came between us. I always hated it when they decided it was Chili's for dinner... AGAIN. But honestly, it was always fun. And even D, with all of what happened between us, is still one of my best friends. Oddly, even after everything, he's still one of only a few people I know I can trust. Everything is going to be different, and I'm not used to so much different...

...but I cannot bring myself to be even remotely sad. Everything is too good now. I'm so very happy at his point that it balances any of the sacrifices that I've made. I love the family and friends back in NJ, but I LOVE my life here. The melancholy may still come, but it won't stay long. For the past two years, I've dreaded this time of year because it was going to be awkward and scary. But this year, while it will be different, it will be magical again. I have love and joy, and I have someone to share it all with.

Through His Eyes

I'm trying to stop seeing myself through the filter I've created for myself. I've been so negative about myself for far too long, and with fairly good reason. My father's philosophy with me was "If you don't have anything mean to say, don't say anything at all". I've also had some people who were close to me do some things that kind of messed with my head.  But there comes a time when I can't hide behind that anymore. I'm a grown woman and it's time to take ownership of who I am now.

In reality, I have accomplished a few things that I have every right to be proud of. I've always had a hard time with being proud of myself, never feeling like I had the right. I've got a couple of goals that I have to keep in my head, and not allow them to be optional. Well, the job one will never be optional, but the school goal has always been something I'd pushed off in favor of other things. But I like accomplishing things. I like the feeling that I've done something good. I also like the idea of doing something that the people I love will be proud of.

And then there is the thing that means the most to me, which is the fact that there is someone who believes in me, and is not afraid to tell me so. There is a man who values me as much as I value him. To him, I'm beautiful. To him, I'm intelligent. To him, I'm a good person. He sees me as a good addition to his life. He's supportive, loving, and completely amazing. I have to remember that I'm the woman that this man wants to be with, and there has to be a reason. He sees things in me that not many have seen before (if anyone). I am so lucky to have found the man who, until recently, I'd only though lived in my dreams. I'm even luckier that he seems to feel somewhat the same about me.

I really should start looking at myself a little less through the grey filter I've created for myself, and a little more through his eyes. It is in those eyes that I feel most at ease, that I've found home and contentment. It should be in those eyes that I see myself.

Disconcerted

I'm not even completely sure where to begin. The past few days, I've had some intermittent creepy feelings. It didn't start with the dream, but that hasn't helped much.

I haven't had any real weirdness here prior. It's always felt welcoming and good, with no weirdness. I've had some experiences before that makes me believe I am at least vaguely sensitive to weird energy, but I'd never felt it here.

I have my alarm clock set up so I can listen to music on my iPod. I keep the player plugged into it (as I always have with no issue). In the past 5 or so days, it will turn on by itself. It's happened about 5 times so far, the most recent was today. It never did it before this past week (even though it would be plugged in sometimes for days at a time). Of course, I'm not as surprised, considering the rest of it...

On Friday, I was cleaning the apartment and all was fine. When I was in the bedroom vacuuming, I felt a feeling like someone was there with me. It wasn't malevolent at all, and somewhat gave me an old man sort of vibe. But it was a bit disconcerting none the less. I honestly didn't think too much of it because I was a bit sore and a bit tired. I just figured it was due to that.

Friday night, my Love and I had a really nice evening. Saturday was somewhat uneventful, other than the fact that I believe the iPod went on by itself again. We had a great day, and I all but forgot about everything.

We stayed up pretty late Saturday night and again, it was a good night. I had an odd dream very early Sunday morning. Without going too much into it at the moment, I woke up with the absolute belief that there is a ghost realm, and it was as normal as anything else. I got up for a moment. While I was in the bathroom, I was completely convinced that I wasn't alone. There was no threatening feeling, but it was far too early in the morning, and far too dark for me to really want to deal with it. I almost ran back to the bed, but I didn't want to wake him up by diving into bed, with some silly story of ghosts scaring me. Instead, I walked back and got into bed calmly. I curled up as close to him as I could and I felt safe again.

Sunday afternoon, while I was taking my shower, I felt again like I wasn't alone. I thought he had come in to try and scare me, but there was no one there. It came and went a couple of times. Again, it was weird and mildly disconcerting, but nothing too bad. He came in just as I was getting out and I confirmed with him that he hadn't come in while I was showering.

That night, I got up again just before we went to sleep. Again, while I was in the bathroom, I felt the presence again, this time strong enough to scare me. It could also be that, at this point, I'm getting jumpy about everything. I was afraid to the point that I felt ill at ease even after I got back into bed. I again got as close to him as I could and pulled the blankets up over me. I laid there for a little while, worrying about being alone in the morning when he went to work.

I woke up early this morning again and this time while I was in the bathroom, I asked whomever it was to please let me be in peace. I was a little bit on edge, but I didn't feel anything odd.

I had a dream about a person I've cut out of my life recently, and a couple who have decided to cut me out as a result. I don't honestly believe she has any ability to effect me, but whenever she shows up, it bothers me. Again, I'm wondering if it's related to the unease I've been prone to. I woke up this morning feeling fine, but extremely sore. I've spent most of my time on the opposite side of the apartment as the bathroom and bedroom. Other than being a bit cold and uncomfortable, I'm alright today.

I just don't know whether it's me or the apartment. I have found that, since all of this began happening, my mood has been a bit quicker to darken just a bit. I feel like I shouldn't be this way because I still am extremely happy, but it's happening anyway. I did start playing with some of my photos this weekend though (as much as my lack of knowledge and tools allow). I've noticed I've been less able to write, and had more of a desire to continue with my visual "art". I don't know if it's because I consider that to be more of a challenge than writing. I don't want to stagnate. I want to get back into what I used to enjoy doing, and maybe take it all further this time. I don't know if the old man is someone who lived here or if it's my grandfather, who always enjoyed when I did "weird" things. I'd be far more comforted if it was him and he was trying to push me, but I more apt to believe it's someone or something else. I don't even really know if I want to even share this, but I've been writing it for hours, so I'll just let it go through.

Either way, the day is half over. I've done a few things while writing this, but there's still a lot to do.

I'm still waiting until J comes home before I take a shower...

Settling In

I've been here about a week now. In that time, I've settled in somewhat and I've been trying to do things to help out. I've also been looking at jobs and have applied to a few. So far, no word. But next week, that becomes my next quest: To find a job. With the holiday season coming up, I'd really like to have money. Not to mention the fact that I need to start contributing here, and clean up some of the NJ mess.

I've been cooking and cleaning and trying to keep up with everything I enjoy doing. Writing has been a bit difficult or some reason lately. I keep starting entries, then losing my train of thought, and abandoning them. I've been wanting to draw more than write, but even that is a bit on the slow-going side. I'd also love to go out and take pictures, but then I wonder what on earth I'll do with them, so I don't.

I think it's more the fact that I feel like there are things I need to do before I do what I want to do. But the funny thing is I'm rather enjoying things like cleaning, cooking, and other such chores. I never did before, but for some reason, it's kind of fun. I am, however, looking forward to this weekend. We don't have to be anywhere other than dinner on Sunday night with his sister and brother in law, which I think will be very enjoyable. We can relax, leisurely go somewhere if we want, stay home if we don't. Just a regular weekend at home with the man I love. A nice, normal weekend. It's been far too long.

So far, this has been pretty much the life I've always wanted. Once the job gets taken care of, I'll be even better off. And beyond that, there will be school, getting everything else straight, and maybe some more physical activity. But right now, I'm quite content with how everything is going so far.

One Second

Decisions made just like that can effect a lifetime of carefully laid plans. It's all it takes. One second. To derail an entire life's worth of work. To find the path again. To create, or destroy a relationship. To do, to undo.

Sure, we may spend lots of time weighing the options, playing the scenarios in our head, and listing the pros and cons. But after all of the back and forth, up and down, the actual decision itself takes a second.

I've made thousands of decisions in my life. Some were good ones, many were wrong ones, and I DO have some regrets. But there were a couple of decisions that I've made in the past seven months that have proven to be some of the best decisions I've ever made. These decisions have proven to be catalysts for what I've got now.

My love and I had been friends for a while, but we'd fallen out of touch for a few months. I had thought about him for the entire time. One day, I decided to send an email to him. After that, we went right back to emailing often. Of course, a few decisions on his part also helped the end result (like the first text message he sent me). Then I decided that I was going to go to Pittsburgh. This one was a decision I mulled over. I was nervous about meeting him because I had always had a wicked crush on him and I didn't think he had any interest in me beyond friendship.

My decision to move to Pittsburgh was a decision I made without any real debate. I just knew I wanted to be here. And after that, the decisions I made pertaining to our first day together were pretty easy as well. And the decision that I love him was... well... not much of a decision at all, actually. It just is.

As I've said, I am happier than I've ever been. I've got a great life with a great man, my other half. He's the piece that's been missing, the light I've been longing for, everything I've ever wanted and needed. He is everything to me, and makes me want to be everything for him.

His friendship saved me, and his love has made me a better woman. While I've worked hard on myself these past couple of years, I wouldn't be near where I am emotionally without him. I just hope I can do the same for him. I love him more than anything. Without several decisions, several seconds in my life, I may not have found him. I don't want to think of what my life would be without him.

I've decided I'm very happy I don't have to.

Home For Me

The day I left to come home (4 Nov 2010), it rained. The morning was rough. My dear friend had to work at 6am, so he woke me up and I said goodbye to him then. It wasn't as difficult, as I was still half asleep. While I was rushing around (because I'd procrastinated), I dropped something on my toe in just the right angle to cause maximum pain. I couldn't find things I needed, which slowed me way down. I also forgot several things that I had planned to pack. As Papa-L and I loaded up the car, the rain came down harder.  I had a feeling things weren't going to go well. Mom and Papa-L decided that I couldn't go without good windshield wipers, so he went to the store and got some new ones and installed them for me (while it was still pouring).

It was hard saying goodbye to everyone and I cried a lot (unsurprising for me, as I cry far too easily at certain times). When I got into the car to go, they were there waving to me. I stopped for lunch and had a conversation with the drive-thru girl about relocating. I went a bit further and stopped for gas, the last time someone else would pump my gas for me. After that, I finished eating my lunch and I was off. As I drove through New Jersey, I talked to my car, telling her we could do this. The rain made it very difficult to see where I was going, and I was trying not to cry.I was nervous, worried, sad, and scared. As soon as I crossed over the bridge into Pennsylvania, I felt a bit of peace come over me. I took one last look at New Jersey in the rear view mirror, and I was alright.

The rest of the ride was fantastic. It did not feel like I drove as far as I did. My car did great. I promised her when we pulled into the parking lot that I would pen the Lay of the Hooptie, the story of how she made it through the great relocation pilgrimage of 2010, and did it better than a brand new car.

I pulled up at my new home at around 6:30pm. There was traffic downtown, but I actually did make really good time getting here. I sat in my car for a moment as the realisation that I was, in fact, home really hit me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to stop smiling so broadly. I got out of the car and stretched a bit, but I couldn't wait to get upstairs to see him. I was also a bit anxious because this was it, the real thing. I wasn't going back to NJ again, and I was hoping that he truly was okay with that.

I barely remember walking up the stairs and knocking on the door, but I do remember waiting for him. I also remember the door opening and joy I felt when he kissed me and welcomed me home. As I started unpacking, he made me the most amazing dinner and we relaxed. When we went to bed, as I drifted off to sleep in his arms, I was smiling and completely at peace.

We were home for another day, then off to Ohio for the weekend. That was great and a little stressful at the same time. Overall though, I had a great time. My Love's family is really great, and I felt welcomed and accepted. More than a few people asked me if I was ready to run yet. In seriousness, there's nothing that would make me go anywhere, but meeting everyone made me so much more at ease. The only person who's feelings about me I care about is my Love, but it does make it easier on him that I'm comfortable with his family and they seem to be comfortable with me.

Tomorrow, we will be together four months.. It feels like much longer that I've loved him. He's such a huge part of my life that I almost don't really remember a time before him. Our entire time together so far has been amazing. Now that I'm here with him, its changed for the better. I honestly didn't realise it could be even better, or that I could have more fun with him than I was before. I think we're both more at ease now. Also, it's no longer long distance, it's a normal relationship now. We're settling into it, and it's going well. I really can see us continuing to laugh, to play, and to live our life together for a very long time. At least I hope so, because I can't imagine living without him.

The Hardest Part

The next ten hours are probably going to be the hardest I'm going to deal with. Saying goodbye to people is something I hate worse than anything in the world. I'm going to have to say goodbye to some of the most important people (and animals) in my life in the morning.

First, my Mother. She and I have never lived more than a mile apart. And for most of my life, we've been essentially under the same roof (either my childhood home, or in different apartments within the same building). Once I moved out at the age of 22, our relationship has been extremely close. She's been one of my best friends, the only parent that's consistently been there for me, and a huge support system. We still have our differences, but they're minor. I don't know what I'd do without her, and I'm not sure how I'll handle not having her near me whenever I want to see her... or need her.

My dear friend. He is my ex, but he is, and always will be family. He's likely going to have a hard time because, up until tomorrow morning, we've still lived together. As much shit that's happened in the final year of our relationship, I can't hate him or think badly about him. Quite the contrary. He's someone I've been able to talk to, laugh with, have fun with, and trust. I've not had many friends like that, so I have no interest or intention on letting this friendship go. He's been a part of my life in some way for over 10 years. I'll miss a lot of things, and I hope that he finds happiness like I have. I will worry about him and we'll still talk, though I'm not sure how much I'll see him when I come back to visit, even though he will still live next door to my mother.  I didn't expect this much difficulty in saying goodbye to him. Though with that, I am also saying goodbye to a part of my life, and a part of myself and something I've been for the past seven years. It ended a long time ago, but the feelings did evolve into close friendship.

My Papa-L. I've referred to him as my step-father before, he is my Mom's boyfriend. He's been in my life for 14 years. In that time, he's always been there for me like a father. We've had our issues (a lot of them, if I'm honest), but again, he's more a father to me than my father is. He's been a lot of things to me over the years, but what's meant the most is that he takes care of my Mom and loves her so much. He considers my brother and me his kids.

My dog. She's the sweetest girl in the world. And my bearded dragons, my scaly girls. They've become a part of my heart and I'm going to miss them all. My pup will be here to take care of my dear friend. She loves her father more than anyone in the world, and he loves her too. I'm going to miss seeing them together. It's quite adorable. And my lizard girls are sleeping until sometime in early Spring, so I've not really said goodbye to them. I'll get to see all three when I come back to visit.

I've spent the better part of the last hour sobbing uncontrollably. It's not because I'm sorry that I'm going, but because I will miss so much here. I think I'll be spending a lot of tomorrow morning doing much the same thing. My friend is leaving for work early, and he'll wake me up before he goes. I'll see Mom and L before I go. And then I may be stopping at my overlook on the way out, depending on how I'm doing.

I will be sad for what I'm leaving behind, and I will grieve. But I'm also very much looking forward to what I'm going toward. My Love is waiting there for me, ready for us to start our life together. I couldn't be happier about that. It's just a matter of getting used to the new life and remembering that all of my family is just a phone call away, and I'll visit them as much as I can.

I think I'll be okay once I reach the middle of my journey. At that point, I will be able to focus on what I'm going toward, instead of what I'm leaving behind.

I've just been extremely emotional these past few days, combined with the fact that goodbyes are very hard for me. Just a lot of goodbyes in a relatively short amount of time.

But one great big hello awaits me. Without the painful goodbyes, there can't be that hello. So I'll be alright. Just bracing myself for what I know will come first.

This entry is not particularly insightful, pretty, or fancy. I just needed to focus myself a bit. But I have something I need to do before I sleep for 3 hours.

The Chosen Light

Being in the midst of the hard part as I've been for the past few days, it's been too easy to lose sight of what awaits me on the other side. Luckily, it's only lost momentary. The city has, somehow, found its way into who I am. Walking around downtown, I feel safe and welcome. I feel I've found a place where I can thrive and grow as a person, as a woman. I've also got good friends there that aren't going to cause drama or expect everything from me, but give little in return. Within walking distance, there are museums, parks, rivers, beautiful views, and so much more than I could ever ask for. There is also the university close by. This school is basically my college dream. It's where I hope to be accepted to in a few years (though I'll likely start at a two year school for an associates degree).

But there is one, above all other reasons: my J, my Beloved. For all the splendor and finery of the city, he is what draws me back the most. While the place is a wonderful one and feels like home, it is in his arms that I am most comfortable. A shack in the woods, a boat drifting along the northern seas, a small town in the middle of nowhere, here in NJ could all be home, were they where he'd settled. There is truth in the old saying: "home is where the heart is". My heart is with him, wherever he happens to be. I'm very fortunate in that he happens to be in a wonderful place at the moment.

Any pain, suffering, and strife I have dealt with in my life is all worth it because it ultimately brought me to him. Certainly, if I could have found him before all of the pain happened, I would have been more than happy with that. Though perhaps we would have been different people. I still believe that no matter what point in our lives we would have met, we still would have loved each other. Though there is no real need to dwell upon that line of thinking, because he and I have found each other now, at this point in our lives. Soon, there will be no saying goodbye, there will be no more home away from him. Soon, we will be together completely.

But he has not stolen me away from here. What he has stolen is the darkness within my soul. He has chased away the sorrow in my heart. I'm following the light that he brings into my life. I've chosen his light over all else. But to be able to have such a treasure in my life, I need to complete the quest.

If this was to be an easy road, it wouldn't be a quest. What keeps me going on this first initial quest is what awaits me at the end. It is not an easy, stress-free perfect existence that awaits me. There will still be normal worries, pressures, and hassles. But that's life, isn't it? Normalcy. Experiencing happiness. I've never really dreamed of fancy houses, fancy cars, fame, and the other things that people fantasize about. For me, it was always a longing to feel what true and utter happiness is.

Happiness is worth all that came before it, and I will do whatever I can to keep it. I've learned many valuable lessons in my existence thus far. I was mostly to blame for the absence of happiness. Be it choices I made, things I did, things I didn't do, attitudes I held onto, misconceptions I wouldn't let go, or things I kept quiet about, I was largely responsible for my misery. Those things, I can control. I can't control what other people do, but I can control what I allow them to do to me.

So beyond all of the crap that I've been writing about lately, lies my ultimate dream come true: happiness. My prince on the white steed, who has given me something more valuable than all the gems in the world: love and support.

Happiness. Love. Feeling loved. Unconditional support. Freedom to be who I am. Confidence. The light that I choose to follow.

(If this is a bit disjointed, I apologize. I began it last night at 2am, and finished it this morning. I don't normally do that)

The Road Unavoidable

I've not really even begun to deal with the bulk of things yet, but already I had to walk that road, the road unavoidable. Just looking through a drawer, I stumbled across mementos of three major losses. At first, I was alright. At first. But then I found the memorial card from Nana's service. Seeing her name printed in black and white. The date of her birth. The date of her death. Both of which are forever committed to my memory, because the second is one of the worst days of my life. Reading the poem and seeing the picture that I helped pick out, because I knew she would like them. Because I knew her so well. My eyes began to sting as I remembered the gold heart pendant she gave me when I graduated from eight grade. My cheek wet when I thought about how she grabbed my hand and kissed it when I showed her my engagement ring. The last time I saw her. A punch to my throat when I remembered how it is over, and that she wouldn't meet the man I love now. My face hot as I thought about how I failed, and the people I've hurt. My legs curled to my chest, as the torrent comes. The D-word. I will be one of those statistics. My chin upon my knees, I think of the first I hurt, the second I failed, the friend I lost, the woman who died. My entire body shakes, my legs catching the grief falling from my chin. Every loss, every failure rushes back to me in one painful blow. My head thrown back, my mouth open in a silent scream, I wish it would all stop. I wish I could stop. I want the tears to end, the sobs to retreat, the process to be over.

All from one small drawer, half full of things long forgotten.

So many other drawers. Small boxes everywhere. Trinkets hidden in a corner. All waiting for me. All with their own little reminders, their stories, their psychometric images to share with me. To make sure I don't forget. To chip away at me and hurt me. To (hopefully) comfort me. To remind me how fortunate I've been.

To remind me how fortunate I am now. 

I cannot avoid this road, short of hurling a Molotov cocktail through the window of this apartment. I cannot erase the past, nor can I forget it. I remind myself it is what made me who I am today. All of it, made me the woman I am right this very moment. I've got to walk this road. The one paved with glass, broken in places. I've no shoes to wear, nothing to protect me from the lacerations. And I'm not supposed to. It's nearing the end of the road. The mile of old memories sits ahead. Memories of good times. Memories of bad times. Memories of what is now gone.   All with their own special pain. I don't want to drag myself along this part of the road, especially not this part! But if I don't, I won't get to the end. 

The Last of October

It's been a quiet ending to this month so far. My dear friend and I made our Halloween tradition visit today, and I said good bye to another place. It's not getting any easier, honestly. The closer I come to actually leaving, the harder everything becomes. This state is difficult and rife with issues, but it's also the land of my birth. It's where all of my greatest childhood memories (and many of the adult ones as well) were created. This is where much of my family is. This is where the places that I've gone for comfort, to cry, and to be happy are. I can visit them when I come here to visit. It's scary to think I won't be able to just jump in the car and go to the overlook at 1am because I need a moment to think, or lace up my sneakers and walk to the cemetery that feels like my own private park. It's also scary to think I won't be able to run to my Mom whenever I need her, or to even see my best friend. Our life together has ended, but we've been able to forge a new relationship. It's not easy seeing him hurting so much, but he is still one of my best friends, and he always will be a part of my family. It may seem like an odd thing to remain close to one's ex, but I've never been one for much normalcy anyway.

Of course, I will be able to put on my sneakers and walk to the bridge. Looking out over the river, I'll be able to remember one of the happiest moments in my life. I'll also be starting my life with my love, and bettering myself.

I've got less than 5 days left here before I go "home". I've got my closet basically cleared, but still the dresser and some packed winter clothes to go through. Then I've got to go through the kitchen and pack the things I need to bring with me initially, as well as a few mementos and decorative things. I wish I could have everything ready to go for when I leave, but I doubt I will. I also need to take the car for an oil change to help its chances of making it there, as well as clean it out. And there are still a few places I need to visit, foods I need to eat, and people I need to hug before I go. Then, it's time to hold my breath and pray the car makes it so that I can jump back into the arms of my Love. Then, it'll be time to prepare for a trip with his family to visit more family. Nothing like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire right away. I'm looking forward to it, though.

Beginnings

Not all that awaits me is an ending. There are a fair few beginnings as well. The one I am most looking forward to is the beginning of my relationship. I have had the honor of being girlfriend to the man of my dreams for almost four months (and friends with him for well over a year prior to that). I know I go on about him a lot, but it's because he makes me so happy. We've been in a long distance relationship this whole time. We have managed to see each other quite a bit, but between those wonderful times, there have been gaps of 3-4 weeks. Next week, the long distance part goes away and we will be in a regular, "Good morning, Honey. How did you sleep?", "What do you want for dinner?" relationship. A walks in the evening, date nights to Mount Washington, Saturday errands, lazy Sunday mornings watching movies and eating pancakes kind of relationship. A nice, normal relationship where I can lie on the couch and read a book while he kills zombies on his Xbox. A regular life where we can cook each other dinner, then burn off the calories in creative and fun ways. There will be concerts, trips out of state to see friends and family, evenings downtown, and other excitement, which I can't wait for. But what I most look forward to in our relationship is falling asleep with him, waking up with him, and living life with him.

He has inspired me to do things I used to love doing. These are things I should have been doing in the first place, but for various reasons I wasn't. It's not that I'm doing these things to impress him or because I feel I need to be more creative to be with him. I've done a lot of drawing, photography, painting, and writing throughout my life and I'd gotten away from it for so many reasons in the past 10 or so years. I've missed all of it so much that doing it again is really making a huge difference in my life.

With this blog, I've attempted to write more than just a day to day stream of feelings and happenings. Some of the entries were inspired by odd things and I tried to make them sort of writing exercises rather than strictly journal entries. There are two, maybe three that I'm actually somewhat happy with. The idea of writing each day has gotten me excited to the point where I've made time to sit down and work on it. I've got a long way to go before I'll be able to write the stories that have lived in my head for so many years, but I'm content with practicing and learning for the time being.

In my little cheap sketch book, there are now two drawings. One is the one I had mentioned several weeks ago, which is shown here. I'm not particularly happy with the right side cliff, and the white are left of center is supposed to be water, but I've been too afraid to attempt to actually draw it. It's likely as done as it's going to be for a while.

The other is a more feminine tree. It's got no background or setting at all, really. It's just a figure. I think if I ever get back into painting, I may attempt to paint her. Or if I ever actually get up enough nerve to attempt to learn Photoshop again, I may try to fix that one. Each of these drawings began as discarded sketches that I went back to several weeks after the fact.

I'm still scared, but I'm also ready. Ready for whatever comes. Ready to stand up and start walking the path.

Endings

As I sat on the bus, rolling past the gorgeous farms and hills of Pennsylvania, I thought a lot. When one is on a bus for 8.5 hours alone and prone to motion sickness when attempting to read in a moving vehicle, there's not much of a choice. I thought a lot about a turbulent part of my life which, as of this afternoon, is finally over. But I also thought a lot about other things that aren't over, and likely won't be for a long time (if ever).

Some endings are like Autumn. The leaves are no longer green and living, but they are still beautiful to look back at for just a bit longer. You can still see a semblance of their former glory in their shape and suppleness, but they are dead. Their beauty in death is unrivaled by what they truly looked like in life, but it is a fleeting beauty. A fairly strong breeze can easily tear them from their branch and hurl them to the ground, where they will dry out and turn to dust. They're certainly not forgotten, however. A stroll outside on a late Autumn day. The wind picks them up and swirls them around you like a fiery dance. The air heavy with their scent. One pressed between waxed paper as a memento.

Other endings are raging fires. It begins small, a smoldering ember upon a dried, decaying log. As it is fed, a small flame grows from the glowing coals. The flame crawls along the dead ground to a tree. As it climbs ever higher along the trunk, it gets hotter, and more insistent. The flames reach higher into the sky as they burn the topmost branches. The wind carries the sparks along the forest, igniting ever more as they go. Several smaller fires rush toward each other, an urgent collision course. When finally they meet, they explode upward and outward, a huge dancing mass of pain and destruction. Their union spawns a massive plume of flames high into the air. The pain is excruciating, but necessary. The hope is that it will be put out (or will burn itself out) very quickly. In reality, it can burn for years, unrelenting in its destruction. Your memento of the inferno is the blackened, scarred, and smoking aftermath.

And then there are the endings that don't truly end, but evolve into something different. These can be touchy, painful, but ultimately hold the most hope for personal growth. One is forced to confront the reasons behind the end and truly work through them as part of the evolution. One must also look at what they've done, not just what was done to them. There may never be perfect resolution, but there will always be exploration and discoveries along the way.

Not all situations can be resolved. I dare say an overwhelming majority simply cannot. Some situations cause too much pain, too much rage, to be safe for evolution and must be eradicated. Others are experiences that weren't bad overall, and a bit of wistful looking back is fine. And many are not as clear cut as one or the other, but a mix. One thing is for certain, life happens in cycles. If you've not experienced endings (and the pain, anger, joy, relief, and growth that come along with them), you are not truly human.

I am essentially rootless at this very moment. I don't feel like I'm "from" anywhere just yet. Everything I own is here with me, but every fiber of my being is there waiting for me. There feels like home, but realistically, is it yet? Things need to be packed, sorted, thrown out, given away. Emotions need to be shelved, acknowledged, worked through. No more waiting until the last second in a bid to keep from having to think about, and deal with, the situations at hand. I wish there was a way to do this without causing any pain, but there isn't. Anything worth having is also worth a little pain.I accept mine with no reservations, but I don't enjoy the ripple effect to others. I know what is waiting for me next week and I cannot wait to get back to it, to him. But hanging here right now over this abyss, it looks so far away. Sitting here in this mire, unable to so much as make a list of what needs to be done, I feel the weight of it all on my shoulders. I just can't let this get to me. It's all part of the quest, part of what will strengthen me, what makes me appreciate the light at the end of it. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, but it continues with 50,000 or so more. I will reach the goal, but feeling like I've only just begun the journey is still daunting.

Back to the Quest

For a couple of years, I've been trying to get my life on some sort of path. I've been looking for some sort of goal to work for, an anchor to stop the aimless drift, a tether to guide me back, an inspiration to keep me going.

9 July 2010, a rainy and foggy evening. I drove from a hotel in Harmar, PA toward Pittsburgh. The sky had opened up and I could see very little along the road. It wasn't an optimal condition for driving somewhere I had never been. I still remember my first glimpse of the city. I'd seen the river, some of the bridges, and the hills. I felt a stirring in my chest, and an ease in my mind (despite the weather). But the moment I first saw the skyline, the PPG building, the USX building, it was as if a thread reaching from my breast had made a connection with a thread reaching from the City of Bridges. A tether now ties me to this city. I knew I had found my home. I almost felt this place had welcomed me.

10 July 2010, the sun bright against the sky. I woke up at the hotel, nervous and full of anticipation. That day, I was to meet a man I'd corresponded with for quite a while. We had been emailing, and were friends. I didn't necessarily expect anything to come of it beyond friendship though, in truth, I had thought about it a lot and wondered what it would be like to be with him. We were so much alike and he was such a wonderful person. I was extremely nervous and almost afraid that I may fall for him but he would still see me as a friend. My mom and stepfather came with me, and his friends were with him. As I walked through the parking lot of the zoo toward the entrance where we were to meet, my hands shook a bit and I had no real idea of the significance the next moment was to play in the rest of my life. I began walking up the steps, scanning the crowd for him. The moment I saw him, I felt another thread tear from my chest. I stopped where I was and watched as he talked to his friend. Fear and excitement gripped me. In that moment, I knew that everything I thought I felt for him was real. He started to turn toward where I was standing (and my family had caught up with me at that point) so I began walking again. At the top of those stairs, he hugged me and I kissed his cheek. That was the moment that I knew he was the man I could possibly love for the rest of my life. Through the day, his friends made comments that led me to believe perhaps he felt at least something for me beyond friendship, but I had no idea if that was just my own wishful thinking. For the next 6 hours, I wanted so bad just to hold his hand. Then that blissful and perfect moment on the bridge came, when he told me how he felt. Feelings far beyond happiness flooded me, and that thread that had ripped from me earlier found its connection to him.

The quest was formulated on a rainy night and solidified with a sunset walk over a bridge, and for the past three months and few weeks, I've been working toward the goal of living in this city, inspired and supported by my Love. I've lost things, given things up, and suffered a few minor traumas along the way. I've also gained much, been given glimpses of a wonderful future, and found joys I've not known in far too long. As I stand upon the precipice of the most difficult part of this journey, I know the biggest sacrifices, the hardest goodbyes, and the most work are ahead of me. But lying just beyond that terrifying abyss that I will jump into tomorrow is home in my city, home in my Love's arms. Of course, other challenges await me then as well: Living so far from where I grew up, adjusting to urban living from the old way of the semi-rural suburbs, being away from my family, my friend, and my animals, and finding a job. The quest to get to Pittsburgh will have come to an end, but several new ones will open up. All are part of one greater quest: the quest to make my life what I want it to be. Finding a job, preparing to go to school (then actually doing it), forming a Kindred with the man I love and two people I've come to like and respect very much, studying magic and the runes, learning what I want to learn, and enjoying a wonderful relationship with the most amazing man I've ever known while working with him toward our future. So much else will come up as time goes on, but these will be my immediate focuses.

On one hand, I'm not looking forward to the bus ride to New Jersey. On the other hand, I am looking forward to seeing my family. I am also looking forward to getting over the difficult bumps in the road. It's going to be a hard week to be sure. I'll be saying goodbye to a lot. But I'll also be coming back here to my Love, my city, and my future.

Conflict: May it End Now

The weekend went really well. His friends that I was meeting for the first time were great. Our friends who will be forming the Kindred with us are also great people. The six of us had a great time on Friday night and stayed up until after 3am. Our Kindred folk stayed until early Saturday afternoon, then were back on the road again. The rest of us went to a small zombie event at the Monroeville Mall, which is where Dawn of the Dead was filmed. We had dinner at the pub which was, as usual, delicious. I even got to have my pumpkin ale, which was the best I've ever had. It was a long weekend, but a good one. Once everyone was gone, we relaxed and had a great evening.

I'm going back later this week for a little while. While I'm there, I'm going to get my things packed and my car checked to make sure it will make it back here. If not, I'm going to have to get creative with packing and shipping stuff, then take the train or bus again. I'm just ready for it all to be done. This limbo is getting old. It's almost over, but I'm getting impatient.

I'm hoping the drama is over now. I seem to have lost a friend I considered to be one of my best, as well as several acquaintances. It seems like people would rather listen to the dramatic routine than make up their own minds, or even ask me what is going on. It's hard, but honestly a small price to pay for peace. The center of this is something no longer worth my time, thought, or concern. I'm sure I'll be the notorious villain for years to come, much like all of the other former friends. It doesn't really matter, because after this, I'm done worrying about it, other than to remember the lesson learned. I've got friends I can trust, friends that won't force me to relive traumatic events for their own entertainment, and friends who genuinely appreciate me and who I am (instead of who they want me to be).

I'm tired of disbelieving people who compliment me, like having me around, or tell me I'm a good person. I like the idea of people wanting me around, not for what I can do for them, but because we have a good time together. I want to enjoy peoples' company without worrying what's going to be said later. And I wan to have conversations with people who value what I say and don't behave like they're smarter than everyone else. There are people who are happy to be followers, but I'd prefer to spend my time with people secure enough to teach AND learn. So, I'm good now.

That is the last time I let that subject creep in and touch my future. I'm looking ahead. In about two weeks, I'll be living here. Hopefully, I'll have a job not long after that so I won't have to worry about money and the holidays. I'm ready for the challenge.

It's taken me a while to get even this much written. I'm feeling kind of tired and weird, and I'd rather be processing the thoughts in my head right now.