The next ten hours are probably going to be the hardest I'm going to deal with. Saying goodbye to people is something I hate worse than anything in the world. I'm going to have to say goodbye to some of the most important people (and animals) in my life in the morning.
First, my Mother. She and I have never lived more than a mile apart. And for most of my life, we've been essentially under the same roof (either my childhood home, or in different apartments within the same building). Once I moved out at the age of 22, our relationship has been extremely close. She's been one of my best friends, the only parent that's consistently been there for me, and a huge support system. We still have our differences, but they're minor. I don't know what I'd do without her, and I'm not sure how I'll handle not having her near me whenever I want to see her... or need her.
My dear friend. He is my ex, but he is, and always will be family. He's likely going to have a hard time because, up until tomorrow morning, we've still lived together. As much shit that's happened in the final year of our relationship, I can't hate him or think badly about him. Quite the contrary. He's someone I've been able to talk to, laugh with, have fun with, and trust. I've not had many friends like that, so I have no interest or intention on letting this friendship go. He's been a part of my life in some way for over 10 years. I'll miss a lot of things, and I hope that he finds happiness like I have. I will worry about him and we'll still talk, though I'm not sure how much I'll see him when I come back to visit, even though he will still live next door to my mother. I didn't expect this much difficulty in saying goodbye to him. Though with that, I am also saying goodbye to a part of my life, and a part of myself and something I've been for the past seven years. It ended a long time ago, but the feelings did evolve into close friendship.
My Papa-L. I've referred to him as my step-father before, he is my Mom's boyfriend. He's been in my life for 14 years. In that time, he's always been there for me like a father. We've had our issues (a lot of them, if I'm honest), but again, he's more a father to me than my father is. He's been a lot of things to me over the years, but what's meant the most is that he takes care of my Mom and loves her so much. He considers my brother and me his kids.
My dog. She's the sweetest girl in the world. And my bearded dragons, my scaly girls. They've become a part of my heart and I'm going to miss them all. My pup will be here to take care of my dear friend. She loves her father more than anyone in the world, and he loves her too. I'm going to miss seeing them together. It's quite adorable. And my lizard girls are sleeping until sometime in early Spring, so I've not really said goodbye to them. I'll get to see all three when I come back to visit.
I've spent the better part of the last hour sobbing uncontrollably. It's not because I'm sorry that I'm going, but because I will miss so much here. I think I'll be spending a lot of tomorrow morning doing much the same thing. My friend is leaving for work early, and he'll wake me up before he goes. I'll see Mom and L before I go. And then I may be stopping at my overlook on the way out, depending on how I'm doing.
I will be sad for what I'm leaving behind, and I will grieve. But I'm also very much looking forward to what I'm going toward. My Love is waiting there for me, ready for us to start our life together. I couldn't be happier about that. It's just a matter of getting used to the new life and remembering that all of my family is just a phone call away, and I'll visit them as much as I can.
I think I'll be okay once I reach the middle of my journey. At that point, I will be able to focus on what I'm going toward, instead of what I'm leaving behind.
I've just been extremely emotional these past few days, combined with the fact that goodbyes are very hard for me. Just a lot of goodbyes in a relatively short amount of time.
But one great big hello awaits me. Without the painful goodbyes, there can't be that hello. So I'll be alright. Just bracing myself for what I know will come first.
This entry is not particularly insightful, pretty, or fancy. I just needed to focus myself a bit. But I have something I need to do before I sleep for 3 hours.
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