For a couple of years, I've been trying to get my life on some sort of path. I've been looking for some sort of goal to work for, an anchor to stop the aimless drift, a tether to guide me back, an inspiration to keep me going.
9 July 2010, a rainy and foggy evening. I drove from a hotel in Harmar, PA toward Pittsburgh. The sky had opened up and I could see very little along the road. It wasn't an optimal condition for driving somewhere I had never been. I still remember my first glimpse of the city. I'd seen the river, some of the bridges, and the hills. I felt a stirring in my chest, and an ease in my mind (despite the weather). But the moment I first saw the skyline, the PPG building, the USX building, it was as if a thread reaching from my breast had made a connection with a thread reaching from the City of Bridges. A tether now ties me to this city. I knew I had found my home. I almost felt this place had welcomed me.
10 July 2010, the sun bright against the sky. I woke up at the hotel, nervous and full of anticipation. That day, I was to meet a man I'd corresponded with for quite a while. We had been emailing, and were friends. I didn't necessarily expect anything to come of it beyond friendship though, in truth, I had thought about it a lot and wondered what it would be like to be with him. We were so much alike and he was such a wonderful person. I was extremely nervous and almost afraid that I may fall for him but he would still see me as a friend. My mom and stepfather came with me, and his friends were with him. As I walked through the parking lot of the zoo toward the entrance where we were to meet, my hands shook a bit and I had no real idea of the significance the next moment was to play in the rest of my life. I began walking up the steps, scanning the crowd for him. The moment I saw him, I felt another thread tear from my chest. I stopped where I was and watched as he talked to his friend. Fear and excitement gripped me. In that moment, I knew that everything I thought I felt for him was real. He started to turn toward where I was standing (and my family had caught up with me at that point) so I began walking again. At the top of those stairs, he hugged me and I kissed his cheek. That was the moment that I knew he was the man I could possibly love for the rest of my life. Through the day, his friends made comments that led me to believe perhaps he felt at least something for me beyond friendship, but I had no idea if that was just my own wishful thinking. For the next 6 hours, I wanted so bad just to hold his hand. Then that blissful and perfect moment on the bridge came, when he told me how he felt. Feelings far beyond happiness flooded me, and that thread that had ripped from me earlier found its connection to him.
The quest was formulated on a rainy night and solidified with a sunset walk over a bridge, and for the past three months and few weeks, I've been working toward the goal of living in this city, inspired and supported by my Love. I've lost things, given things up, and suffered a few minor traumas along the way. I've also gained much, been given glimpses of a wonderful future, and found joys I've not known in far too long. As I stand upon the precipice of the most difficult part of this journey, I know the biggest sacrifices, the hardest goodbyes, and the most work are ahead of me. But lying just beyond that terrifying abyss that I will jump into tomorrow is home in my city, home in my Love's arms. Of course, other challenges await me then as well: Living so far from where I grew up, adjusting to urban living from the old way of the semi-rural suburbs, being away from my family, my friend, and my animals, and finding a job. The quest to get to Pittsburgh will have come to an end, but several new ones will open up. All are part of one greater quest: the quest to make my life what I want it to be. Finding a job, preparing to go to school (then actually doing it), forming a Kindred with the man I love and two people I've come to like and respect very much, studying magic and the runes, learning what I want to learn, and enjoying a wonderful relationship with the most amazing man I've ever known while working with him toward our future. So much else will come up as time goes on, but these will be my immediate focuses.
On one hand, I'm not looking forward to the bus ride to New Jersey. On the other hand, I am looking forward to seeing my family. I am also looking forward to getting over the difficult bumps in the road. It's going to be a hard week to be sure. I'll be saying goodbye to a lot. But I'll also be coming back here to my Love, my city, and my future.
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