My laptop isn't booting up, so I've been a bit less online lately. The desktop is still in NJ at the moment, so I'm limited to using J's computer when he's not using it.
This past Friday, we went to Pittsburgh's Christmas lighting events around town. It was so wonderful walking around with him through the streets of our city. The magic of the holiday lights, the realization that I live here now, and being on his arm was almost overwhelming. I had several moments when I unconsciously drifted into the "visitor" feeling, then I would look around the crowd and see people who probably came in from the suburbs. It would hit me that my home, OUR home wasn't that far away from the festivities.
One moment in particular really stood out in regard to the "Oh my goodness, this is my home!" feeling. We had gone back to Market Square after the lights had been turned on. We saw the city's tree off to one side, and there were lights everywhere in the square itself. As I stood there with my Love's arms wrapped around me, I took in the lights and felt the familiar warmth that usually comes with the season start to come over me. As the lights began to dance with the music, it all felt so foreign. The place, the people, the feel, everything. It wasn't bad, just different. He pointed out a group of people on a roof, sitting around a large lit tree and I said to myself "How fortunate they are to live here". Then it hit me again that I live here too. I closed my eyes and leaned my head on his shoulder and I remembered that was home, no matter where we are. But we're here and it's perfect.
As I stood there, I wished my Mother was there too. She would enjoy the lights of the city, I think. I wish she and Papa-L could come to visit. I actually know where I'm going to show them around, and I do miss them. The holidays always make me think about how few people I have left in my life. But on the other side, I also think about how extraordinary those people that I do have are. I have a few family members, but they're amazing, my few friends are fantastic, and my Beloved is everything I have ever wanted.
I have times when I miss people, places, smells, feelings. I was thinking about how I actually kind of miss going to Chili's with the boys, and even "Farva" being rotten to me. He's my oldest friend and, while he was a pain in the ass now and again, he still would do whatever he could to help me, and anyone. We've laughed a lot in the almost 15 years that we've known each other. We've been mistaken for siblings because of how we go on. And in a way, he IS my brother. Nothing was ever such a big issue that it came between us. I always hated it when they decided it was Chili's for dinner... AGAIN. But honestly, it was always fun. And even D, with all of what happened between us, is still one of my best friends. Oddly, even after everything, he's still one of only a few people I know I can trust. Everything is going to be different, and I'm not used to so much different...
...but I cannot bring myself to be even remotely sad. Everything is too good now. I'm so very happy at his point that it balances any of the sacrifices that I've made. I love the family and friends back in NJ, but I LOVE my life here. The melancholy may still come, but it won't stay long. For the past two years, I've dreaded this time of year because it was going to be awkward and scary. But this year, while it will be different, it will be magical again. I have love and joy, and I have someone to share it all with.
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