Being in the midst of the hard part as I've been for the past few days, it's been too easy to lose sight of what awaits me on the other side. Luckily, it's only lost momentary. The city has, somehow, found its way into who I am. Walking around downtown, I feel safe and welcome. I feel I've found a place where I can thrive and grow as a person, as a woman. I've also got good friends there that aren't going to cause drama or expect everything from me, but give little in return. Within walking distance, there are museums, parks, rivers, beautiful views, and so much more than I could ever ask for. There is also the university close by. This school is basically my college dream. It's where I hope to be accepted to in a few years (though I'll likely start at a two year school for an associates degree).
But there is one, above all other reasons: my J, my Beloved. For all the splendor and finery of the city, he is what draws me back the most. While the place is a wonderful one and feels like home, it is in his arms that I am most comfortable. A shack in the woods, a boat drifting along the northern seas, a small town in the middle of nowhere, here in NJ could all be home, were they where he'd settled. There is truth in the old saying: "home is where the heart is". My heart is with him, wherever he happens to be. I'm very fortunate in that he happens to be in a wonderful place at the moment.
Any pain, suffering, and strife I have dealt with in my life is all worth it because it ultimately brought me to him. Certainly, if I could have found him before all of the pain happened, I would have been more than happy with that. Though perhaps we would have been different people. I still believe that no matter what point in our lives we would have met, we still would have loved each other. Though there is no real need to dwell upon that line of thinking, because he and I have found each other now, at this point in our lives. Soon, there will be no saying goodbye, there will be no more home away from him. Soon, we will be together completely.
But he has not stolen me away from here. What he has stolen is the darkness within my soul. He has chased away the sorrow in my heart. I'm following the light that he brings into my life. I've chosen his light over all else. But to be able to have such a treasure in my life, I need to complete the quest.
If this was to be an easy road, it wouldn't be a quest. What keeps me going on this first initial quest is what awaits me at the end. It is not an easy, stress-free perfect existence that awaits me. There will still be normal worries, pressures, and hassles. But that's life, isn't it? Normalcy. Experiencing happiness. I've never really dreamed of fancy houses, fancy cars, fame, and the other things that people fantasize about. For me, it was always a longing to feel what true and utter happiness is.
Happiness is worth all that came before it, and I will do whatever I can to keep it. I've learned many valuable lessons in my existence thus far. I was mostly to blame for the absence of happiness. Be it choices I made, things I did, things I didn't do, attitudes I held onto, misconceptions I wouldn't let go, or things I kept quiet about, I was largely responsible for my misery. Those things, I can control. I can't control what other people do, but I can control what I allow them to do to me.
So beyond all of the crap that I've been writing about lately, lies my ultimate dream come true: happiness. My prince on the white steed, who has given me something more valuable than all the gems in the world: love and support.
Happiness. Love. Feeling loved. Unconditional support. Freedom to be who I am. Confidence. The light that I choose to follow.
(If this is a bit disjointed, I apologize. I began it last night at 2am, and finished it this morning. I don't normally do that)
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