Settling Into Happiness

I've been here for a bit more than a week now. I've still got about a week more to go before I need to go back again. This time, though I won't be gone long before I am here again. There is still the fear that it will take a long time to find a job, the knowledge that I'll miss my family and the places I love back there, and the adjustment to a new place.

But since I've been here, I fall asleep in my love's arms. I find myself waking up at night and just to watch him sleep. Even watching a movie together is like a totally new experience. Yesterday was a wonderfully lazy Sunday. We spent most of it in our pajamas watching television, including Christmas Vacation! We also cooked for Wintenights, which I will discuss tomorrow. After all of that, he played a game, while I spent the evening making Hallowe'en decorations with construction paper and a glue stick. We were doing different things, but we were in the same room together. I looked over at him several times and was filled with joy, just because he was there. Few things compare to the joy of touching him, but having him near me is pretty far up the list, too.

When we were apart, I looked at this picture several times a day. I could remember how it felt to kiss him, and I longed for it so much. Being here with him, having him share himself with me, and being able to share so much with him has been complete happiness. Being home in our city together is exactly where I am happiest, and where I want to be more than anywhere else. When I wake up and have a nightmare, he is there to chase them away. When he is working on something and asks my opinion, it feels like he is sharing his passions with me.

My love, he is an artist. This past week, he created a new piece. He shared each step with me, allowed me to watch him work, and I had the honor of being the first person to see the completed piece. I've always thought he was a wonderfully talented artist, and watching someone create like he does was an amazing experience. On the other side of that, watching the man I love doing something that he loves is something I hope I am fortunate to see again many times over in the future. I am a huge fan of his art (which can be found here) and loved seeing what goes into a piece.

Beyond my love, just being in the city has been a wonderful thing. I was riding the bus myself last week. Every time it stopped at the college, I got more excited about attending. I saw the students walking around, I wanted to be one of them. I hope that, by this time next year, I will be. Beginning my studies after so many years is something that will make others proud, but it is probably the one thing I want most for myself in the whole world. Luckily, I have time regarding a major (as well as the option of starting undeclared). Something pertaining to books and literature sounds very attractive now as an associate's degree. And the idea of religious studies, even if as a minor, is attractive as well.

It's likely that the first wave of my stuff, the important things, will be here by the first week of November. I can't wait to be a resident of this new place, and this new life, officially. I'm confident about my future, I'm happy with my present, and I'll work through any adversity that may come up. I've learned a woman's strength, and I've seen it in action. I'm ready to test my strength, and to live it. I'm ready to live my life and enjoy the present. I' ready to continue working toward the future.

I'm learning what it's like to be happy, and I'm settling into it quite nicely. If I'm honest, the entire concept still scares the life out of me sometimes and I find myself wondering how it is I deserve this life, the love of such a wonderful man, the promise of such a great future, all of it. I allow myself some of these doubts now and again, because I know that working through these things will only make me stronger and better able to deal with what happens. It's been a hard road, but it made me into what I am now. The road will never end, and each scar, divot, and pothole serves a purpose. I just need remember not to fall into them and, if I do, to stand back up and keep walking.