In my 33 years, the question of faith has always been there to varying degrees. I was baptized Catholic due to the insistence of an overly paranoid grandparent. My parents were young, and it didn't particularly matter to them either way. I did not grow up in the Catholic faith, though. My mother never forced me into Sunday school, I didn't have a communion, and the only times I went to church were for weddings and funerals (and that one Christmas Eve Midnight Mass when my grandfather smacked me upside my head for not kneeling and doing the sign of the cross when entering the pew, the thought of which makes me giggle to this day). I knew what the holidays we celebrated symbolized in the generic Christian culture we lived by, but we celebrated more the secular parts of them: family, generosity, joy, and fun.
But regardless of this, I always had faith. My Mom taught me that "God" was in everything; the trees, the oceans, the wind, the world's creatures. I sat outside and listened to the melting snow dripping into a stream, or the whistle of a bird, and that was the divine speaking through nature's music. I walked through the woods and saw the flame of Autumn licking the treetops, or the tulips pushing through the cold ground to bloom, that was the deities manifesting themselves. The scent of fallen leaves or fresh cut grass, the perfume of the Heavens. The wind gently tugging at my hair, the rain cooling my upturned face was the Gods themselves touching me. I knew the feel of the Day-Gods, and the different feel of the Night-Gods. Looking skyward as the sun retired her daily hold on the earth, I knew the spectacular colors were the herald of something just as important. When the night came, so did the stars. The mysteries shrouded in the darkness were not to be feared, but to be embraced. Some were meant to be solved, while most were not ours to know. I spent many nights watching the stars, the way they twinkled, seeing their different colors, and if I was lucky, seeing some of them streak across the sky in a shower of sparks. In my early 20's, I saw an aurora. Where I live is usually way too far south to see such a thing, but this was during a peak in the sun cycle, so I was fortunate. As I saw the building shimmer of red on the horizon, I squealed like a child and dragged several people outside so I could share this rare treasure with them. It continues to be one of the most beautiful things I've seen.
At a young age, I didn't have a name for them, or an idea of what it all meant, but I knew there was far more to it than simply what could be seen. The universe and the earth were sweet mysteries I was content to work a lifetime at understanding. As I aged, I learned more about the world and various faiths, but nothing I was learning about felt right. I still was able to sit outside on a snow-covered winter afternoon and know the Gods were there in the ethereal silence, the glittering blindness, the clean smell, and the wet chill. It didn't matter to me that I didn't know their names, they were there. I didn't know how to properly thank them for everything, so I just spoke it. "Thank you for this beautiful day", I'd say, mist pouring from my mouth with every word.
Getting older, I thirsted for more and more knowledge. To some extent, this began to taint the simple faith I held my entire life. Who whispered those nearly imperceptible words to me? Is it appropriate to speak to trees in the woods? Rather than just reveling in it all, I questioned why? whom? how? I stumbled upon witchcraft and Paganism for the first time in high school. It felt like the right neighborhood, but the wrong house. Because of the strong nature aspects, I decided to study it a bit and see how it felt. Some things made a lot of sense, but others still didn't fit. It's close enough, I would reason to myself. I became a very casual solitary practitioner for a long time.
As is typical of lost innocence, I began to feel self-conscious and questioned myself, so I began looking for others. Eventually, I found a local group of Pagans. This began a good, and horrible period of my life. I learned a lot about myself, faith in general, the Pagan faith, and people. I had a lot of life-changing experiences and my trust in my own abilities grew. I also became more open to things and energy around me. I was instrumental in creating a Coven, and was in a position to help a lot of people. The downside is that I learned some hard lessons about betrayal, selfishness, and the darkness that can dwell within mankind. My life was thrown into spinning chaos due to the actions of some people, along with my own ignorance and lack of confidence. While I try my hardest to remember the good parts of that time in my life, I can't help but look back more often than not with bitterness.
There are two life-changing upsides to that period of my life. First, I was exposed for the first time to Heathenry (or Germanic Paganism). And with that, I found the right house! It took me a while to embrace it fully, but once I did, I found all of the missing pieces I had been looking for. It's not been an easy road and honesty, I almost walked away a few times, but I've managed to sort out the important parts from the mire. The second is what I am doing now. Without many of the betrayals and the aftermath of chaos, I would have gone on as I was, ignorant of the best (and worst) of what the world had to offer. I wouldn't have found my love, this city, or myself.
I almost lost faith in the past few years. It felt tainted and dirty because of things that had happened, people and groups I'd met, and being a part of things I didn't believe in. When the worst of the betrayals happened, I wondered how the Gods could allow such things to go on in the world. I had allowed my faith to get too entwined with people and groups and evens and... trappings. I couldn't think about faith without thinking about the bad things that had happened.
One day, I'd had enough. It was even before I knew the worst of things, but I started to realise that things were over in many ways. It was a cold January day. I had a fight with my now-ex. Looking at him brought me such unbearable pain, that I had to flee. I ran outside and began walking. There was snow on the ground already, and more was falling. For the first time, I walked the path that has now become familiar to me. I walked to the bridge and stopped to admire the small river flowing below my feet. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the snow hitting the ground and the river flowing over the rocks. Nature's music had returned to me again! I saw divinity in the silvery snow atop the stones, and the dormant trees! I breathed in scent of the water, the earth and distant wood-smoke, the perfume of the Heavens! And as the cool wind whipped stinging snowflakes against my cheeks, I felt the touch of the Gods yet again! My faith had been reset back to the simplicity of the old days and it helped me to rebuild in in my own way. I was older and wiser, but in that moment, I remembered the important things.
Now, I know better. I try to live my faith every day. I am more picky about whom I let into that part of my life. I felt from the beginning that my love was someone I could likely share and live my faith with. In the past few days, we have finally been able practice together for the first time. On Sunday night when we celebrated Winternights, I watched him prepare the blòt and I felt much as I do when watching a particularly wonderful sunset. I felt it all building and knew that this was a harbinger of a wonderful thing to come. When he presided over the feast, I witnessed so many wonders. In his words, I heard the winds from the North. In his eyes, I saw the gathering storm of energy. In his hands, I felt the touch of divinity. In that moment, I realised that I had found someone to truly share my faith with. With him, it is no longer just MINE, but OURS! I saw a flash of our future, but I also felt my own heart and and faith burning stronger than it has since I was just a child hearing the Gods speak to me for the first time. I don't have to ensconce it within my breast to keep it safe from him, I can lay it bare before him! Before that night, I loved him more than I ever thought possible. Now, there is an even further depth to my love for him. That first blòt was like the first time I saw him, the first time I kissed him, the first time we made love. It changed my life in ways I never could have imagined before.
My faith was firm before. Now it is enhanced in that I have someone to truly share it with, no strings, no drama, and no fakeness.
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