Cleaning Up

I've be doing a lot of cleaning this week in every sense of the word. Mostly, I've been doing the traditional dusting, scrubbing, laundry, and straightening up. We've got company coming this weekend and I want everything to look okay (especially since I'm meeting someone who is a very big deal in my love's life and I want to make a good impression).

I've been doing a bit of emotional (and social) cleaning up as well. I don't want to taint this new life with the old sludge, but I feel like I'm running away from things, which feels like utter weakness to me. I also wonder if I even have the right to feel this way. Surely, it must've been something I did. All others are innocent. But then I remember how I felt, and still feel whenever my dealings include them: anxiety, self-doubt, guilt, pain, the list goes on. I've nothing left to make amends for, and I'll never get it from them. So, instead of torturing myself further, I have to cut ties. To be honest, it also felt good to hit that little "remove from friends" button. Childish? Perhaps. But it calmed the rage I was feeling just a bit, and it was more grown-up than starting the social networking public flame war that was my first stifled instinct.

Stifled... that word has come up twice today in relation to me. After a while, no one ever had to put me in a corner, because I always voluntarily hid there. I'm sick of being in the bloody corner! My love and I have one problem, and that is indecision. It's minor in relation to other things that could be wrong, but it's still an issue. I'm walking over to that corner, while he is tearing at my sleeve trying to pull me out and into the middle of the room so we can do the big damn lift in front of everyone, to the tune of "(I've Had) The Time Of My Life"! It's not about where we eat, what we watch, or anything like that. It's about the fact that I've become so afraid to assert myself, make a decision, or ask for what I'd like, that my mind basically shuts down when faced with making any sort of decision. So there I sit, vague little flashes of what I want flitting through my brain. When I reach up to grab one, they all scatter like butterflies, and I'm left with nothing. When I'm by myself, this turns into two hours of trying to think, until I fall back on an old standard. When I'm with most other people, they're more than happy to do whatever they want. He and I are a partnership. If his arm slips during that big lift, I'll faceplant on the ground. If my weight shifts wrong, his back goes out and down he goes. The jazzy metaphors aside, this life is all new to me. I'm used to having to take the lead on the important things, while the minor decisions are not mine to make. I've aways wanted nothing more than someone who would work with me on all facets of life. I've got a man like that in my life now, and yet I can't seem to get it right.

I'm still haunted by so many things, to the point that I spent a good part of today angry, hurt, and sad. I've got to exorcise the ghosts of the past and stop letting them get back in. I've got to sweep the cobwebs away and allow myself to be the woman I want to, and need to be. I need to finish doing what I need to do, then walk and clear my head a bit.