I'm starting to feel like I've bent myself so far for other people, that I don't remember what shape I'm supposed to be anymore. I've swallowed the proverbial dick while they go off to be perfectly happy. I smile and act like it's all good so that people will be put at ease, when inside, my stomach is in knots. I make excuses for things I do because someone has a problem with it. I sacrifice my own sanity, happiness, and time for someone, only to quietly step aside when I become inconvenient for them.
When do I make all of this end? When will I get my head out of my ass and make it less about them, and more about me? Oh, how selfish I feel for even thinking that. I'm laying all of my eggs in one notoriously unreliable basket. That basket has failed me more times than I can count, has hurt me more than anything else in the world ever has, has cast me aside because I am no longer convenient (again). And yet, that very basket is where the course of the better part of the upcoming year has been placed. So, until Wednesday, I wait. I wait to see if Mr. Basket will be able to pull his wicker head from his woven ass. I wait to see if he can handle the last thing he will ever have to do for me. I wait to see if I'll be free at last to live my life.
And I wait to see if this will finally allow me to get over being betrayed, forgotten, ignored, torn apart, and cast off by someone who was supposed to take care of me, but didn't. I wait to see if it will allow me to forgive myself for keeping quiet while this happened for too many years; and for being so foolish as to be there to support him when it all blew up in his face.
Nothing really of substance, today. Just a bitch-fest for my own sanity, I suppose.
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