Each year, September seems to be a bad month for me. But I can't quite figure out why. Are they really so horrible, the things that happened this month? It was more aftermath of the summer, if I'm honest. But it's like walking under a ladder for thirty days at a time, it seems. Every little thing that happens is noticed. The damn washer that didn't spin my clothes and the dryer only making them warm and slightly less wet. The broken promise from J's job. The fact that I'm still waiting for a court date. The job I didn't get. The cold I did get. Tripping up the stairs. Stress regarding money. Wanting so badly for it to end and get better.
I really could go on. I don't have the insight or the observations I has on this day last year. I'll just be glad to wake up tomorrow, in the arms of my love, and have this month be over. October is usually a better month. It is my favorite, after all.
30 September 2011
07 September 2011
I'm not responsible...
I'm not responsible for your decision that what you had wasn't good enough (even though it was far more than most men would have been allowed to get away with). I'm not responsible for your decision to fuck her, repeatedly, on our furniture, in our home. I am responsible for not getting the help I should have and letting my depression go on too long. But I am not responsible for your continued spending spree after I lost my job.
I am no longer responsible for your happiness. I need to take responsibility for my own. You DO deserve to be happy, but YOU must be the one who wants it.
I took responsibility for my own happiness and I was able to start finding it. I'm still working on it, and I still have a long way to go. But I've recognised that I'm the one responsible for it. I cannot lean on anyone for my own happiness or contentment, and neither can you. I cannot blame anyone for any misery I've suffered, and neither can you. Other people can effect our lives in horrible (or wonderful) ways, but we cannot lay our burdens solely on them. We have the choice on how we can deal with it. NO ONE can take that from us.
But I cannot take the blame anymore. We both made mistakes, we both hurt each other. And we both gave each other gifts of joy, growth, and good times. I do think that you don't see that. I feel that you only blame, and don't understand why I did what I ended up doing. It's because I couldn't allow myself to be hurt anymore. And I couldn't push anymore.
I am no longer responsible for your happiness. I need to take responsibility for my own. You DO deserve to be happy, but YOU must be the one who wants it.
I took responsibility for my own happiness and I was able to start finding it. I'm still working on it, and I still have a long way to go. But I've recognised that I'm the one responsible for it. I cannot lean on anyone for my own happiness or contentment, and neither can you. I cannot blame anyone for any misery I've suffered, and neither can you. Other people can effect our lives in horrible (or wonderful) ways, but we cannot lay our burdens solely on them. We have the choice on how we can deal with it. NO ONE can take that from us.
But I cannot take the blame anymore. We both made mistakes, we both hurt each other. And we both gave each other gifts of joy, growth, and good times. I do think that you don't see that. I feel that you only blame, and don't understand why I did what I ended up doing. It's because I couldn't allow myself to be hurt anymore. And I couldn't push anymore.
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