Looking Forward to 2011

So, where am I going? What am I resolving to do in 2012? What do I want most in this coming year?

I'm going to school in a couple of weeks! After 15 years of talking about it, I'm going to finally do it. I want to continue my search for a new job (part time). I'll be volunteering more at the Humane Society. And, hopefully, I'll be able to keep up on everything else.

My resolutions are as follows:

• I want to lose more weight, walk more, and use the gym at school to get in better shape. I have no real specific weight loss goal. Maybe another 20 lbs? But I want to be in better shape, get toned up more, and look/feel better.
• I want to get at least a 3.5 GPA and hopefully make honors at school. I want to apply myself like I didn't do in high school, and actually be proud of my academic accomplishments.
• I want to get out of the habit of being negative about myself all the time. I want to be more positive and treat myself as well as I treat other people. I want to treat other people as well as I want them to treat me.
• I want to get out and appreciate life more. I want to appreciate all the things I have, and all the things that are ahead of me. 
• I want to (along with J) compile a cook book of all of our recipes, so they are in one place. I want my family recipes, his family recipes, and the recipes we've made documented so we can share them with future generations.
• I want to write more, and document more of the joys of this life I have now. My quest is never complete, and I want to remember the positives. Too many of my old blogs, journals, status updates, and such are negative, melancholy, and mopey. I want to remember the beauty of my life, not the vomited sadness that I wrote yesterday.
• And finally, I want to spend less time online and in front of screens. I want to spend more time doing things that are worthy, that I need to do, or that will get me moving a bit more.

And what do I want most in the coming year? There is something, but I'm not going to say what it is. =)

Reflecting, The End of 2011

I went back and read older entries, particularly the last of 2010. I was so full of hope and excitement for 2011. It made me feel pretty good. I also did some reflecting. It's totally cliche, and I'm certain that every blog out there has a post like this, but it's okay. 

2011 saw my first full year in Pittsburgh.Oddly, I've not been on nearly as many bridges as I thought I would. But there were several, and they were awesome. My first Winter was spent largely getting used to working again. I think I did pretty well at my job, but it wasn't particularly fun (phone customer service -- not exactly meant to be fun). J and I did more settling in to our relationship, and actually enjoying the normalcy of it. We did a lot of hibernating, but it was a decent winter!

In the Spring, we were able to get out, explore, and enjoy Springtime. Our first Kindred event since the founding was a huge success. We continued to make the apartment more of our home. It was a really lovely time. The job was getting a bit on the irritating side, but at least it was money.

Summer started well. We were able to do more together on the weekends. Spending time with him, being relaxed, enjoying his company, falling in love with him even more each day. As our first anniversary approached, we reflected on our time together up until then. The weekend of our anniversary was wonderful. He took me to a gorgeous hotel, set up two wonderful dinners for us, and we decided it was too late to run. We were stuck with each other, which is just fine with me.

After that, for some reason, the year went downhill a bit. Within a month, the engine on my car blew, which made it impossible for me to keep my job. That, and various other things caused stress in our life. Trying to remember what it was specifically, I can't right now. This leads me to believe that there likely wasn't much tangible. I missed my family, my car of 14 years was dead (leaving me with no car, and no one to ask for help for the first time in... ever), I was unemployed again, and the fact that, by that time I was getting antsy for the divorce to be over with all played a part in the stress. But, for some reason, I had remembered it as much worse than that.

By Autumn, there were two weddings coming up which were going to be challenging given the financial situation. We made it work by J going to one alone, and depleting my savings for the other. I wasn't having any luck finding a job, and we were worrying about a lot of little things. The second wedding, which was at the end of October, involved us driving back to where I grew up... in a snowstorm! In October! We made it there safely, the ceremony was lovely, and it went well.

After the wedding, we stayed with my Mom for a few days. In New Jersey. With no power. And a foot of snow on the cold, cold ground. We weren't able to do much of the sight seeing we wanted to do (other than diners and malls, to keep warm). And before we left, I had a horrible fight with my Mother. We made up before we left, but that was just something I didn't need. On our way home, it took us longer than it needed to (I missed a road and we had to go about 45 minutes or so out of our way). Power came back on about 45 minutes after we left, which I was happy about for my Mom. By the time we got home, we were just annoyed and badly in need of showers.

We continued to stress out about things through the end of Autumn, and into Winter. But we had a wonderful Christmas! I did manage to register for school (which I hadn't even been really thinking about much, until the car). I've been sculpting more in the past several months, too. It's been a lot of fun and I've made some cool things so far. The divorce went through in mid-December (YAY!). I'm not allowed to be friends with my ex anymore because his girlfriend is a bit insecure, but I am glad he's happy AND that he is taking her feelings into account first (Hey, he DID learn something after all!). I am truly happy for him and, perhaps, we can be friends again someday.

But the most important part is that, in spite of the all the stress and worrying and bad stuff, I am still completely in love with my J. I'm also just as sure as I was last year that he is the love and light of my life, and that I am happier than I've ever been with him. Throughout all of the Clark Griswold nonsense, the stress, and the annoyance, I've never once doubted my decision to come here, or even remotely questioned my absolute love for him. That feeling of utter serenity, of absolute certainty, and of pure happiness, is something I cherish each day.

Frustration, Part One

The last half of 2002 and first half of 2003 saw a huge amount of change (both good and bad) in my life. The timeline saw me engaged, losing my grandmother (to whom I was extremely close), watching my mother go through a breakdown, attempt to deflect a whole lot of future in-law nonsense (with no assistance from my soon-to-be husband), cope with the murder of an acquaintance, losing my job due largely to inability to cope, planning a wedding with dwindling finances, and finally actually walking down the aisle.

The second half of 2003, and first half of 2004 consisted of finding another job, enduring a lot of meddling from my father-in-law pertaining to the job, taking a lot of abuse from the in-laws because I wasn't comfortable with that meddling, and finally leaving that job due to paranoia based on things he knew (that he shouldn't have), and things that were said to other people. I also tried to help my mother-in-law with  planning her other son's wedding (that never happened). In addition to that, he moved into the apartment below us, so we (I) were expected to keep an eye on him, particularly after his relationship crumbled. He had a lot of issues, and his mother had even more issues with letting him go. We were expected to watch him, coddle him, and allow him to do whatever he wanted, even though it screwed with our sanity, as well as the sanity of my mother on the first floor.

Because I was home, I endured a lot of the police welfare checks (because he had threatened to kill himself, or he had been self-harming and people at his job were concerned). And then there were the knocks on our doors at 3am from his friends, who were concerned, and knew we had a key. His mother became more concerned, but instead of doing something herself about it, she put even more pressure on us to watch him. Because at the time, her marriage was in trouble. That gave me yet another job of confidante for her. I begged my then-husband to intervene and ask his family to back off, but he wouldn't do it.

By the second half of 2004, I became damn near incapable of coping with much at all. I spent the next three or so years unable to decide what to do. So I'd sit and wait for things to happen. I would wake up in the morning, watch television all day, and wait for him to come home. The housework never got done unless my mother came up to help (which turned into her doing it all). I didn't try to get a job. I didn't shower often. I barely left the house. And my husband secretly started resenting me. I couldn't pull my head from my ass, because I didn't even bother to try.

Things got worse with my marriage, too. I felt he wasn't even trying to take my feelings into consideration. I also felt like he didn't have my back with his family (or anyone). He started retreating further into his video games, and I became rather mean.

I've struggled with depression several times in my life, but it had never manifested itself quite like this before. And my ability to cope was severely crippled by a distinct lack of giving a shit. It was a vicious cycle, indeed.

The only reason I started leaving the house again was because, in mid-2007, a job basically fell into my lap. I made some friends (who weren't the greatest, as it would turn out). But I still dragged myself along for about three more years, before I got off the nightmare train and decided to start fixing my life. But now I wonder how well I actually did in that endeavor. I feel like I'm slipping back into old patterns. There have been a lot of adjustments the past year, and some stress to deal with, but I'm not miserable...

I worry that the depression is something that is a bit out of my control. I wonder if it's something I need more than just smiles and chipper optimism to combat...

Welcome back, Miss M!

I got a divorce yesterday. And I'm fine. Oddly fine.

My ex and I got along fine, even managing to live under the same roof for two years after we separated (and before I moved out of state). I knew it was the right thing to do. Hell, I'm in a fantastic relationship with someone who supports me and is the right person for me. I couldn't wait for it to happen! I figured this would be the easy part. No sweat whatsoever.

But I had seen what happened to my Mother when her divorce was finalized. She and my father had been separated for the better part of 8 years (with a few attempts at reconciliation thrown in). She was wrecked, even though it wasn't particularly a surprise. I've never really seen someone get through the divorce unscathed. I was worried.

There was a part of me that felt like I'd failed. I never wanted to be a divorcee. I wondered if I'd tried hard enough to fix it. The thing is, it wasn't worth fixing. At the end, it wasn't making either of us happy, and I've accepted that fact. The folly was in getting married in the first place, not in how we handled the end. We managed to remain friends (until his girlfriend became uncomfortable with it), and we're still civil. I've forgiven him for what he did to me, and I've moved on with my life. I'm a far better person now than I was before.

OK, good. No guilt from the decision. But would I feel a sudden emptiness, or melancholy? I just didn't want to deal with that kind of downer. I wanted to truly be over it like I believed myself to be. I knew in my head, heart, and soul that it was over. I knew for absolute certainty that I am in a better place, and I am happier than I've ever been before. But there's always that stupid, irrational grief that comes with the death of anything. Isn't there?

Turns out, the answer is no. I received the message from the ex at 9:46am that it was done. He had, in his grubby little paws, the signed divorce decree with the official shiny gold seal of truth. It was really done. No hitches, no problems; easy peasy done. I sat there and waited. Nothing. No somersault in my gut, no emptiness, not even a frown. In fact, I felt lighter and less tense than I'd felt in years. I had to test this further, though. I first calculated how long it had been from beginning to end. 8 years, 7 months, 11 days (in reality, it had lasted less than five and a half years). I then brought up the wedding song on YouTube. At the beginning of the end, it had made me cry. As time went on, it made me angry. This time, nothing at all. Not even the smallest pang of meh crossed my stomach. Nothing. In fact, I found myself thinking about J, the man in my life now (who is the right person for me, and the love of my life).

And then it dawned on me: I'm free. Free from doubt. Free from the guilt. Free from the sadness. Free from the pain. Just Free.

Yesterday, I woke up for the last time as Mrs. E. This morning, I woke up as Miss M. I woke up to the man I love kissing me and telling me he loves me. I woke up free to live my life with no tethers to the past. I make decisions strictly for the good of who I am now, and for the good of my future.

There was no fear, no sadness, no looking back. I only look forward now, to being who I want to be and living life the way I should have from the beginning.

This is the first day of the rest of my life.

When does the giving end??

I'm starting to feel like I've bent myself so far for other people, that I don't remember what shape I'm supposed to be anymore. I've swallowed the proverbial dick while they go off to be perfectly happy. I smile and act like it's all good so that people will be put at ease, when inside, my stomach is in knots. I make excuses for things I do because someone has a problem with it. I sacrifice my own sanity, happiness, and time for someone, only to quietly step aside when I become inconvenient for them.

When do I make all of this end? When will I get my head out of my ass and make it less about them, and more about me? Oh, how selfish I feel for even thinking that. I'm laying all of my eggs in one notoriously unreliable basket. That basket has failed me more times than I can count, has hurt me more than anything else in the world ever has, has cast me aside because I am no longer convenient (again). And yet, that very basket is where the course of the better part of the upcoming year has been placed. So, until Wednesday, I wait. I wait to see if Mr. Basket will be able to pull his wicker head from his woven ass. I wait to see if he can handle the last thing he will ever have to do for me. I wait to see if I'll be free at last to live my life.

And I wait to see if this will finally allow me to get over being betrayed, forgotten, ignored, torn apart, and cast off by someone who was supposed to take care of me, but didn't. I wait to see if it will allow me to forgive myself for keeping quiet while this happened for too many years; and for being so foolish as to be there to support him when it all blew up in his face.

Nothing really of substance, today. Just a bitch-fest for my own sanity, I suppose.