The last half of 2002 and first half of 2003 saw a huge amount of change (both good and bad) in my life. The timeline saw me engaged, losing my grandmother (to whom I was extremely close), watching my mother go through a breakdown, attempt to deflect a whole lot of future in-law nonsense (with no assistance from my soon-to-be husband), cope with the murder of an acquaintance, losing my job due largely to inability to cope, planning a wedding with dwindling finances, and finally actually walking down the aisle.
The second half of 2003, and first half of 2004 consisted of finding another job, enduring a lot of meddling from my father-in-law pertaining to the job, taking a lot of abuse from the in-laws because I wasn't comfortable with that meddling, and finally leaving that job due to paranoia based on things he knew (that he shouldn't have), and things that were said to other people. I also tried to help my mother-in-law with planning her other son's wedding (that never happened). In addition to that, he moved into the apartment below us, so we (I) were expected to keep an eye on him, particularly after his relationship crumbled. He had a lot of issues, and his mother had even more issues with letting him go. We were expected to watch him, coddle him, and allow him to do whatever he wanted, even though it screwed with our sanity, as well as the sanity of my mother on the first floor.
Because I was home, I endured a lot of the police welfare checks (because he had threatened to kill himself, or he had been self-harming and people at his job were concerned). And then there were the knocks on our doors at 3am from his friends, who were concerned, and knew we had a key. His mother became more concerned, but instead of doing something herself about it, she put even more pressure on us to watch him. Because at the time, her marriage was in trouble. That gave me yet another job of confidante for her. I begged my then-husband to intervene and ask his family to back off, but he wouldn't do it.
By the second half of 2004, I became damn near incapable of coping with much at all. I spent the next three or so years unable to decide what to do. So I'd sit and wait for things to happen. I would wake up in the morning, watch television all day, and wait for him to come home. The housework never got done unless my mother came up to help (which turned into her doing it all). I didn't try to get a job. I didn't shower often. I barely left the house. And my husband secretly started resenting me. I couldn't pull my head from my ass, because I didn't even bother to try.
Things got worse with my marriage, too. I felt he wasn't even trying to take my feelings into consideration. I also felt like he didn't have my back with his family (or anyone). He started retreating further into his video games, and I became rather mean.
I've struggled with depression several times in my life, but it had never manifested itself quite like this before. And my ability to cope was severely crippled by a distinct lack of giving a shit. It was a vicious cycle, indeed.
The only reason I started leaving the house again was because, in mid-2007, a job basically fell into my lap. I made some friends (who weren't the greatest, as it would turn out). But I still dragged myself along for about three more years, before I got off the nightmare train and decided to start fixing my life. But now I wonder how well I actually did in that endeavor. I feel like I'm slipping back into old patterns. There have been a lot of adjustments the past year, and some stress to deal with, but I'm not miserable...
I worry that the depression is something that is a bit out of my control. I wonder if it's something I need more than just smiles and chipper optimism to combat...
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