Why am I opening them? Revisiting old writings brought back a flood of every feeling, every emotion, every pain. I am past the pain, anger, and regret of the situations themselves, but what I don't think I've done is forgiven myself for my mistakes and completely wrong thoughts. The one big problem with writing things down is that it's all there in black and white to remind me how foolish I was. I blamed myself far more than I should have, ripped myself apart, and let others tear me down. And instead of standing up and fighting for me, I laid down and took it. I handed them the bat with which to beat me.
Today, I wanted to run through the rain screaming. Screaming for my old self. I wanted to wipe the dirt off her face, pick her up, and tell her to open her eyes and live! I wanted to cry with her, and tell her it would be okay. I wanted to hold her hand as she took her first steps. But it's too late for her. She's dead. That girl will never again know pain. She will also never accomplish what she wanted so much.
And as odd as it seems, I feel the emptiness where she used to be. A lump forms in my throat as I mourn her. She was self-loathing, she was pain, she was destruction, she was me. She hurt like a hot knife to my skin, but I knew her, and I was comfortable with her. I didn't get to say good bye to her, my only constant companion. I didn't see her go, my oldest and most faithful friend. One day, she was gone. And some friend I am, it took me a while to notice she wasn't there anymore. I was scared, and I called for her. When she didn't answer, my very soul shook. I wondered why she went away, why she left me alone in this unfamiliar new world. But then I realised that she just couldn't handle the pain anymore. She had become so frail and used up from so many years that she couldn't take it anymore, and she collapsed.
She wanted to be loved, even through she didn't love herself. She wanted happiness. She wanted it all back the way it had been before. She will always be with me in my heart, and pieces of her (good and bad) will remain with me for the rest of my days. She wasn't always good for me, but she was always there.
Farewell, September. The very skies weep for you today. I'll be fine without you, but you will always be a part of me.
30 September 2010
28 September 2010
Fast or feast?
I was reading something about how today is Yom Kippur. I confess, I don't know much about it, or any of the Jewish holidays for that matter. The blurb I read mentioned this being a day of prayer, repentance, and ...fasting or feasting? It took me another look to see it was indeed fasting. That got me thinking how one letter can throw the entire word to the exact opposite meaning. It then got me thinking about how tiny a thing the line is between good and bad, happiness and misery, success and failure.
Between the good and bad was one secret ill intent, one misguided action (repeated several times, mind you), and one seemingly innocent sleight (again, repeated over and over). This is the situation that caused my most recent, and most severe, tailspin, but also really set me on the path I'm on now. In a perfect world and in theory, it could have been a good situation. More love = more happiness... right? Taking the one part ill intent out of the equation for a moment, there were missteps that were certainly not malicious, but no doubt careless and thoughtless. The fact that any of it was allowed to go on in the first place was due to my own fear and insecurity. Yes, there was some dishonesty, stupidity, and a complete lack of consideration for anything I'd said, but it was also an extraordinarily bad decision on my part. The result was a soul-shattering pain that I never thought possible. I'd rather a lifetime of physical pain on par with childbirth than just one more day of that pain.
Between happiness and misery was one thought. Just one small thought. One day, as I sat there miserable and shell-shocked, I wrote. The writing started in the same tortured place it had been for a while: What did I do wrong? Why did this happen? I must be an awful person, because it's certainly not THEIR fault! I reread that last part over and over again. Then I started thinking: What can I do to make myself worthy of love again? It was at that point that I realized that happiness can be all about the choice to be happy. Just one thought. How am I going to greet the day? I can say "Oh bother, it's going to be a right shitty day" OR I can open my eyes and say "It's going to be a good day". In truth, it doesn't always end up being a fantastic day, but when I started my day up instead of down, I had much further to fall before I hit the ground. It was also about seeing situations a bit differently. For example: Oh, I see it's raining out. Old reaction: Well, that sucks, it's going to be a crappy day. New reaction: Ooh! It's going to be a bit cooler, maybe this humidity is going to break, and honestly, the rain is beautiful. Do I sound like one of those annoyingly upbeat twits yet? Trust me, I know how silly it sounds. When you're drowning, you'll hang on to the pink ducky float just to survive sometimes. It took a long time, some outside influences, and a metric TON of effort, but I've now learned what happiness and contentment feel like. I still have hurdles and obstacles, but I know I've got the foundation to get through it all. And I also realized that I was worthy of love all along, I'm not an awful person, and it was their fault (as well as mine).
Between success and failure is my frame of mind. Much like happiness, I can throw up my hands and decide it's not going to work the way I want it to, and I will fail. If I keep trudging on, I'll find the success I am supposed to find. I have successfully found the courage to walk away from everything I know to start a new life somewhere else. I have successfully found a wonderful man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated (and who I am more than happy to treat the way he deserves to be treated). I have successfully found happiness in my life and who I am. I have successfully lost around 50 lbs, with only about 5-10 to go. I feel I will be successful in finding a job, a place, and a good life. I feel I will be successful going to school. If I can't hack the physics part of things, I will not be discouraged. There are other things I can (and want to) study. I will not give up. I will not quit.
I feast on happiness, on love. I feast on hope and potential. I've realized that, regarding drama and negativity, I must fast. That meant giving up a lot of people I thought were friends, but who were actually detriments to my sanity. In part, I don't know that I'm completely strong enough to deal with some of that at this point, but also I recognize how badly that drama and negativity was poisoning my waters. I do still deal with some things and some people that aren't necessarily upbeat, but I have prioritized them in my life. They are people I consider family, people I would kill for. They are the ones worth the small amount of negativity I'm willing to eat these days. But that is in moderation. I choose to gorge myself on better things.
Between the good and bad was one secret ill intent, one misguided action (repeated several times, mind you), and one seemingly innocent sleight (again, repeated over and over). This is the situation that caused my most recent, and most severe, tailspin, but also really set me on the path I'm on now. In a perfect world and in theory, it could have been a good situation. More love = more happiness... right? Taking the one part ill intent out of the equation for a moment, there were missteps that were certainly not malicious, but no doubt careless and thoughtless. The fact that any of it was allowed to go on in the first place was due to my own fear and insecurity. Yes, there was some dishonesty, stupidity, and a complete lack of consideration for anything I'd said, but it was also an extraordinarily bad decision on my part. The result was a soul-shattering pain that I never thought possible. I'd rather a lifetime of physical pain on par with childbirth than just one more day of that pain.
Between happiness and misery was one thought. Just one small thought. One day, as I sat there miserable and shell-shocked, I wrote. The writing started in the same tortured place it had been for a while: What did I do wrong? Why did this happen? I must be an awful person, because it's certainly not THEIR fault! I reread that last part over and over again. Then I started thinking: What can I do to make myself worthy of love again? It was at that point that I realized that happiness can be all about the choice to be happy. Just one thought. How am I going to greet the day? I can say "Oh bother, it's going to be a right shitty day" OR I can open my eyes and say "It's going to be a good day". In truth, it doesn't always end up being a fantastic day, but when I started my day up instead of down, I had much further to fall before I hit the ground. It was also about seeing situations a bit differently. For example: Oh, I see it's raining out. Old reaction: Well, that sucks, it's going to be a crappy day. New reaction: Ooh! It's going to be a bit cooler, maybe this humidity is going to break, and honestly, the rain is beautiful. Do I sound like one of those annoyingly upbeat twits yet? Trust me, I know how silly it sounds. When you're drowning, you'll hang on to the pink ducky float just to survive sometimes. It took a long time, some outside influences, and a metric TON of effort, but I've now learned what happiness and contentment feel like. I still have hurdles and obstacles, but I know I've got the foundation to get through it all. And I also realized that I was worthy of love all along, I'm not an awful person, and it was their fault (as well as mine).
Between success and failure is my frame of mind. Much like happiness, I can throw up my hands and decide it's not going to work the way I want it to, and I will fail. If I keep trudging on, I'll find the success I am supposed to find. I have successfully found the courage to walk away from everything I know to start a new life somewhere else. I have successfully found a wonderful man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated (and who I am more than happy to treat the way he deserves to be treated). I have successfully found happiness in my life and who I am. I have successfully lost around 50 lbs, with only about 5-10 to go. I feel I will be successful in finding a job, a place, and a good life. I feel I will be successful going to school. If I can't hack the physics part of things, I will not be discouraged. There are other things I can (and want to) study. I will not give up. I will not quit.
I feast on happiness, on love. I feast on hope and potential. I've realized that, regarding drama and negativity, I must fast. That meant giving up a lot of people I thought were friends, but who were actually detriments to my sanity. In part, I don't know that I'm completely strong enough to deal with some of that at this point, but also I recognize how badly that drama and negativity was poisoning my waters. I do still deal with some things and some people that aren't necessarily upbeat, but I have prioritized them in my life. They are people I consider family, people I would kill for. They are the ones worth the small amount of negativity I'm willing to eat these days. But that is in moderation. I choose to gorge myself on better things.
27 September 2010
My overlook
At the overlook, I tend to sit and contemplate. Sometimes, it's how miserable I am, other times it's how happy I am. Today, I went to think about my love. When he came here to visit me, we went twice. The first time was at night. It was cool and windy and the sky was perfectly clear. There were a million stars, and it was truly the most gorgeous sky I had ever seen. Having him hold me while I looked up made it one of the best nights of my life. We went back the next day. The sky was clear and blue, the view was gorgeous, and being in his arms made my favorite place even more wonderful. Today, it was a bit overcast and cool. The leaves are beginning to change, and I could see the colors all the way to PA.
 |
| A picture of the overlook back in June of 2009 |
Did I succeed?
I set some goals, and had some plans. And what came of those goals and plans? Small victories, my friends. I did get the cards I'm selling packed in boxes. Tomorrow, I'll go to the post office and ship them out. Hopefully, the money will arrive before I leave so I can deposit it and have some for my trip. I also finished up the fragile box that has been sitting there forever waiting to be finished. The book box is essentially done, but I didn't tape it yet because I need to check it for a book I need. I did get dressed, but didn't get to the store. Instead, I went to the overlook (which is the place I've gone for the past 15 years to think and relax). More on that later.
I'm going to set my alarm to get up early tomorrow (though going to bed soon will be a good idea in furthering that goal). Then I shall go to the store and walk around a bit, maybe even get myself some grapes as a treat. I'll go to the post office and send the box off to make money for my ex and for myself. I really want to get through more stuff in this room so that I can better organize things and not have so much to look at. The volume of stuff is overwhelming. I'm looking at almost ten years worth of a life that I need to separate. I'm looking at over 30 years worth of stuff that I need to go through. If I had a parent with a basement, or the money for a storage unit, it wouldn't be as bad, but whatever I deem unworthy of making the trip will either see the trash or someone else's house. I don't expect to get all (or even most) of it done tomorrow, but I'm hoping to continue on with the project and get some things finished, maybe another box packed.
I'm going to set my alarm to get up early tomorrow (though going to bed soon will be a good idea in furthering that goal). Then I shall go to the store and walk around a bit, maybe even get myself some grapes as a treat. I'll go to the post office and send the box off to make money for my ex and for myself. I really want to get through more stuff in this room so that I can better organize things and not have so much to look at. The volume of stuff is overwhelming. I'm looking at almost ten years worth of a life that I need to separate. I'm looking at over 30 years worth of stuff that I need to go through. If I had a parent with a basement, or the money for a storage unit, it wouldn't be as bad, but whatever I deem unworthy of making the trip will either see the trash or someone else's house. I don't expect to get all (or even most) of it done tomorrow, but I'm hoping to continue on with the project and get some things finished, maybe another box packed.
26 September 2010
Hoping for motivation...
I just can't seem to get myself motivated this weekend. I packed a few small things and made a half-assed packing list yesterday, but that'a about it. I haven't even been able to get outside to take a walk. I think I really need to force myself to do something productive. I've got less than two weeks until I leave for my visit, and I've gotten almost nothing done.
I feel like I need to be accountable to other people in order to get things done. I've been so scattered lately that I 'm even looking at other things while I write here. It takes me three times as long as it should to write, or to do anything for that matter. Right now, I am sitting here in the room that is sort of my staging are for the things I need to do. My computer is here, the stuff I was working on to sell for my ex is here, there are boxes (mostly empty), and things I still need to go through to pack. Eventually, I'm hoping this room will hold a nice little stack of packed, labeled and taped up boxes. Hahahahahaha! The way it looks right now, I'm not holding out much hope. I just spent about a minute after I wrote that last sentence scanning the room for things I could wrap and pack in the currently 1/2 full box of fragile things. Not good... not good at all.
Today is when I reveal another truth about myself to the world: my self-deprecation and how easy it is for me to just throw my hands up and say "eff it!". Many years ago, I got into such a state and it took me over three years to get out of it. In that time, I accomplished almost nothing, save for planting the seeds that would later destroy my marriage, digging myself into a huge hole emotionally, and watching the entirety of Judging Amy 5 times on syndicated television. It was a bad time. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to go out, and I certainly didn't do anything for myself. These days, it's usually only a day wasted on those thoughts. But when one only has ten days, that kind of loss is not a good idea at all.
But again, my faux ADD strikes again. I spent a few moments while writing that last paragraph contemplating why we don't write our "g" the way it looks when typed. Then I tried to commit the "g" to memory so I could start writing it that way. And then I started wondering why I was even sitting here writing in the first place. I like remembering my frame of mind during important (for me) parts of my life, and honestly, I'd love it if people read this one. But then I wondered how it would further my life. And that wasted more time. Haha I'm on the merry-go-round of questions and doubt, and I can't seem to jump off.
So how is this really doing anything to further my quest? My hope is that, by being honest with myself, I'll see these "shoot thyself in the foot" whirlpools I get into and stop them before I get flushed. Today, I NEED to get that one fragile box, that has been sitting in the footpath half empty being tripped on, filled and taped closed. I want to get the box of books closed up, labeled, and out of the way. I have to get up, get dressed, and go to the store. I'd love to get a walk in at some point (though, walking around the store will count enough for me at this point). I also must get the box of cards packed and ready to ship tomorrow morning. That's income, you know! I want more interesting things to write about. I want to be able to share what I AM doing to get there, not what I'm doing to sabotage myself.
So, my promise to everyone who may be reading this (or just to myself if it's just me here), that I'll get those two boxes done, and get myself dressed and to the store. I also will get the cards ready to go. Tonight or tomorrow, I will report back. Off I go to face the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!
I feel like I need to be accountable to other people in order to get things done. I've been so scattered lately that I 'm even looking at other things while I write here. It takes me three times as long as it should to write, or to do anything for that matter. Right now, I am sitting here in the room that is sort of my staging are for the things I need to do. My computer is here, the stuff I was working on to sell for my ex is here, there are boxes (mostly empty), and things I still need to go through to pack. Eventually, I'm hoping this room will hold a nice little stack of packed, labeled and taped up boxes. Hahahahahaha! The way it looks right now, I'm not holding out much hope. I just spent about a minute after I wrote that last sentence scanning the room for things I could wrap and pack in the currently 1/2 full box of fragile things. Not good... not good at all.
Today is when I reveal another truth about myself to the world: my self-deprecation and how easy it is for me to just throw my hands up and say "eff it!". Many years ago, I got into such a state and it took me over three years to get out of it. In that time, I accomplished almost nothing, save for planting the seeds that would later destroy my marriage, digging myself into a huge hole emotionally, and watching the entirety of Judging Amy 5 times on syndicated television. It was a bad time. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to go out, and I certainly didn't do anything for myself. These days, it's usually only a day wasted on those thoughts. But when one only has ten days, that kind of loss is not a good idea at all.
But again, my faux ADD strikes again. I spent a few moments while writing that last paragraph contemplating why we don't write our "g" the way it looks when typed. Then I tried to commit the "g" to memory so I could start writing it that way. And then I started wondering why I was even sitting here writing in the first place. I like remembering my frame of mind during important (for me) parts of my life, and honestly, I'd love it if people read this one. But then I wondered how it would further my life. And that wasted more time. Haha I'm on the merry-go-round of questions and doubt, and I can't seem to jump off.
So how is this really doing anything to further my quest? My hope is that, by being honest with myself, I'll see these "shoot thyself in the foot" whirlpools I get into and stop them before I get flushed. Today, I NEED to get that one fragile box, that has been sitting in the footpath half empty being tripped on, filled and taped closed. I want to get the box of books closed up, labeled, and out of the way. I have to get up, get dressed, and go to the store. I'd love to get a walk in at some point (though, walking around the store will count enough for me at this point). I also must get the box of cards packed and ready to ship tomorrow morning. That's income, you know! I want more interesting things to write about. I want to be able to share what I AM doing to get there, not what I'm doing to sabotage myself.
So, my promise to everyone who may be reading this (or just to myself if it's just me here), that I'll get those two boxes done, and get myself dressed and to the store. I also will get the cards ready to go. Tonight or tomorrow, I will report back. Off I go to face the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!
25 September 2010
Slacker
I'm visiting my lovely city once more before I move there. On 7 October, I'll be getting on a train for almost 9 hours. At the end of that journey, my love will be waiting for me. I'll be there for around a week, then he and I will be traveling to NY for a weekend event, then back to my soon-to-be home for a day or so, then back to the soon-to-be ex home. This should be the last time I have to say good bye to my love, and to my city, if all goes well.
I'm hoping to have at least a couple of interviews while I'm there. We shall see, though. I do intend to thoroughly enjoy my time there, and to thoroughly enjoy my love as well. This will likely be the last time I'm there as a visitor, so I want to enjoy guest status for a short time more before it's time to be a resident. I've got a TON of things to do before that day comes, including making lists of what to pack (as I will be packing for multiple events and activities), getting things organized here, packing more stuff, and generally getting off my arse and doing something.
And this is where the slacker comes in. I've not done too much of anything for the past two days. I did the laundry yesterday, but not much else. True, I've felt not well the past two days, but still, I could've gotten something done. I think I'm starting to get a bit nervous now with everything coming up so quickly. I'm worried about finding a job, too. That, and it's been hot here again, which is making me feel crummy. And of course, still being up at 3:17am is probably not going to make it much better for tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I'm going to make lists, try to get some more packing done, organize some stuff so I have room to put boxes, and generally get something done for pete's sake!
Which means I need to go to bed now, I think.
I'm hoping to have at least a couple of interviews while I'm there. We shall see, though. I do intend to thoroughly enjoy my time there, and to thoroughly enjoy my love as well. This will likely be the last time I'm there as a visitor, so I want to enjoy guest status for a short time more before it's time to be a resident. I've got a TON of things to do before that day comes, including making lists of what to pack (as I will be packing for multiple events and activities), getting things organized here, packing more stuff, and generally getting off my arse and doing something.
And this is where the slacker comes in. I've not done too much of anything for the past two days. I did the laundry yesterday, but not much else. True, I've felt not well the past two days, but still, I could've gotten something done. I think I'm starting to get a bit nervous now with everything coming up so quickly. I'm worried about finding a job, too. That, and it's been hot here again, which is making me feel crummy. And of course, still being up at 3:17am is probably not going to make it much better for tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I'm going to make lists, try to get some more packing done, organize some stuff so I have room to put boxes, and generally get something done for pete's sake!
Which means I need to go to bed now, I think.
23 September 2010
The illusive Plan B
As I mentioned, my "Plan A" was to get a temp job here, save some money, then get a job there and be able to get a place of my own right away. Well, it seems that the job market here is so depressed at the moment, that getting a job has proven to be very difficult. I've been selective on what I applied to, favoring places that likely wouldn't have to train me for several weeks, only to have me leave a short time later. Quite unselfish, I am. /breaks arm patting self on the back
Ahem... Anyway, I really figured I could score a retail job or something, but no. I've been feeling inadequate and generally like a big giant failure. I felt like I was disappointing the people I love, and letting myself down. I tortured myself (and though he would vehemently disagree with me, I think I tortured my love a little bit as well). Two things you will learn about me is that I am stubborn, and I don't like asking for (or accepting) help as i feel like a burden or a hassle. My original plan meant I could do everything myself without having to put anyone out. If I could afford a place immediately, I wouldn't have to worry about staying with anyone temporarily. If I had a good stockpile of cash, I wouldn't have to impose on anyone at all. Yeah, and if I had a million dollars, I'd never worry again. Wishes are nice and all, but highly impractical most of the time. Essentially, Plan A was a good plan. It was the "most responsible" plan, but also the one most relying on the perfect world. It was also the plan most appealing to the Stubborn Island sensibilities I've held so dear.
Plan B is the one where I have to rely on other people a little bit. I scrap the futile search for a temp job (well, I haven't scrapped it, just stopped worrying so much) and focus on the job search there instead. I'm trying to find a job to start in November. It's going to involve staying with someone else for a few weeks or a month, which I wasn't looking forward to having to do. It also means I'm going to have to step up my game a bit and really get as much as possible done here before I go, since I'm going to be leaving some stuff here for a little while until I get the place. I have to network and ask people I know for help with the job search. I'm imposing on my love by staying with him for a few weeks. And I'm not going to have it all together immediately.
BUT! What plan b has taught me, or rather reminded me, is that I am not alone in this world. I've got people who are willing to help me. I have someone who believes in me far more than I've ever believed in myself. I have someone who loves me and wants me around. I trust him completely and when he says it's going to be okay, I know it will.
Besides, staying with him for a little while gives me the opportunity to fall asleep next to him, and to wake up to him in the morning for a while. Sure, once I have my own place, we'll have sleep overs, but for my first few weeks in the new place, it'll be so nice to wake up and see something so familiar and so comforting: his smile.
Ahem... Anyway, I really figured I could score a retail job or something, but no. I've been feeling inadequate and generally like a big giant failure. I felt like I was disappointing the people I love, and letting myself down. I tortured myself (and though he would vehemently disagree with me, I think I tortured my love a little bit as well). Two things you will learn about me is that I am stubborn, and I don't like asking for (or accepting) help as i feel like a burden or a hassle. My original plan meant I could do everything myself without having to put anyone out. If I could afford a place immediately, I wouldn't have to worry about staying with anyone temporarily. If I had a good stockpile of cash, I wouldn't have to impose on anyone at all. Yeah, and if I had a million dollars, I'd never worry again. Wishes are nice and all, but highly impractical most of the time. Essentially, Plan A was a good plan. It was the "most responsible" plan, but also the one most relying on the perfect world. It was also the plan most appealing to the Stubborn Island sensibilities I've held so dear.
Plan B is the one where I have to rely on other people a little bit. I scrap the futile search for a temp job (well, I haven't scrapped it, just stopped worrying so much) and focus on the job search there instead. I'm trying to find a job to start in November. It's going to involve staying with someone else for a few weeks or a month, which I wasn't looking forward to having to do. It also means I'm going to have to step up my game a bit and really get as much as possible done here before I go, since I'm going to be leaving some stuff here for a little while until I get the place. I have to network and ask people I know for help with the job search. I'm imposing on my love by staying with him for a few weeks. And I'm not going to have it all together immediately.
BUT! What plan b has taught me, or rather reminded me, is that I am not alone in this world. I've got people who are willing to help me. I have someone who believes in me far more than I've ever believed in myself. I have someone who loves me and wants me around. I trust him completely and when he says it's going to be okay, I know it will.
Besides, staying with him for a little while gives me the opportunity to fall asleep next to him, and to wake up to him in the morning for a while. Sure, once I have my own place, we'll have sleep overs, but for my first few weeks in the new place, it'll be so nice to wake up and see something so familiar and so comforting: his smile.
22 September 2010
So much for THAT job...
Well, Plan A seems to be failing miserably, so it's time to scrap it in favor of Plan B (more on that later).
Plan A was to find a temp job, save some money, sell some stuff, save some more money, then move in November after I found an awesome new job and a fabulous place. HA! Jobs of any kind here are near impossible to find these days. I've applied for countless jobs that I'm more than qualified for, had three interviews that went really well, and one offer. That one wage slave temp job I did find ended badly...
I started the job on an early Tuesday morning (exactly one week ago). Within less than two hours of starting, I was laying on the floor in a small pool of my own blood. I passed out. Passed. Out. It's never happened to me before, but there I was, on the ground, face first. I had been standing there with the trainer. She was telling me about the machine I was to be using. I started feeling a bit nauseous and hot. I was about to ask her if we could take a break so I could grab some water. Next thing I know, I'm thinking "Am I on the floor?" "Where'd everyone go?" "Seriously, how the hel DID I get down here?" The next thing I knew was pain, from my chin and my knee and my head. And there was blood. As I stood up, the people came back, telling me not to get up yet. Apparently I was ghost white and out of it. I didn't know it at the time, but I was told by those who came running. They called the ambulance and were very caring and comforting. I declined hospital treatment but did go to the doctor, because I wouldn't have been able to go back to work otherwise.
That day was spent having blood drawn, being hooked to an EEG, having a CT scan of my brain, neurological tests, a tetanus shot, and all sorts of other fun things. My brain is fine, the blood work came back normal, my heart is a champion, and I passed all of my neuro checks with flying colors. I had an extremely minor concussion, but nothing to worry about. Don't know why it happened, probably a fluke. Per all of the fancy tests, I'm fit as a fiddle, healthy as a horse, strong like bull!
I had a small bruise on my forehead and nose where they impacted with the floor, which are all but gone now. I have a good-sized gash on my chin from where that hit the floor (that was the first thing to hit, I believe). I have a bruise on each knee, which look gnarly but don't hurt too badly anymore. My right arm was sore for a while, which I think were sympathy pains for the left arm, which had the very sore tetanus shot site. I was also a bit shaken for a while, but I'm better now.
Of course, the end to this story is that once the job found out I was okay and hadn't damaged myself in the fall and I was healthy enough to return to work, they decided to fire me. I guess a temp on her face is not a good first impression. this place is known for not giving much of a damn about their employees. After all, we're just temps. There are plenty of other sad asses lining up at the door to take our places.
So, to paraphrase the tee shirt, I worked two hours at this temp job and all I got was a lousy cd of pictures of my brain and the beginning of a totally kick arse scar. Faaaan-tastic!
So I will be scrapping Plan A, which I believe is trying to kill me, and commencing Plan B! Plan B is essentially focusing on the Pittsburgh job search, getting out there by late Oct or early Nov, and maybe not having the fantastic pad right right away. I've come to the realisation that I'm not alone and that there are people who want to help me, none more than my Love. He has been my strength, my sanity, and my hope throughout this whole mess. He's been my biggest supporter, my most vocal fan, and the source of my greatest peace lately. This man loves me and actually wants me around! And there is no place I'd rather be than in his arms. I've found my love and I'm so happy.
...even when weird crap happens to me.
Plan A was to find a temp job, save some money, sell some stuff, save some more money, then move in November after I found an awesome new job and a fabulous place. HA! Jobs of any kind here are near impossible to find these days. I've applied for countless jobs that I'm more than qualified for, had three interviews that went really well, and one offer. That one wage slave temp job I did find ended badly...
I started the job on an early Tuesday morning (exactly one week ago). Within less than two hours of starting, I was laying on the floor in a small pool of my own blood. I passed out. Passed. Out. It's never happened to me before, but there I was, on the ground, face first. I had been standing there with the trainer. She was telling me about the machine I was to be using. I started feeling a bit nauseous and hot. I was about to ask her if we could take a break so I could grab some water. Next thing I know, I'm thinking "Am I on the floor?" "Where'd everyone go?" "Seriously, how the hel DID I get down here?" The next thing I knew was pain, from my chin and my knee and my head. And there was blood. As I stood up, the people came back, telling me not to get up yet. Apparently I was ghost white and out of it. I didn't know it at the time, but I was told by those who came running. They called the ambulance and were very caring and comforting. I declined hospital treatment but did go to the doctor, because I wouldn't have been able to go back to work otherwise.
That day was spent having blood drawn, being hooked to an EEG, having a CT scan of my brain, neurological tests, a tetanus shot, and all sorts of other fun things. My brain is fine, the blood work came back normal, my heart is a champion, and I passed all of my neuro checks with flying colors. I had an extremely minor concussion, but nothing to worry about. Don't know why it happened, probably a fluke. Per all of the fancy tests, I'm fit as a fiddle, healthy as a horse, strong like bull!
I had a small bruise on my forehead and nose where they impacted with the floor, which are all but gone now. I have a good-sized gash on my chin from where that hit the floor (that was the first thing to hit, I believe). I have a bruise on each knee, which look gnarly but don't hurt too badly anymore. My right arm was sore for a while, which I think were sympathy pains for the left arm, which had the very sore tetanus shot site. I was also a bit shaken for a while, but I'm better now.
Of course, the end to this story is that once the job found out I was okay and hadn't damaged myself in the fall and I was healthy enough to return to work, they decided to fire me. I guess a temp on her face is not a good first impression. this place is known for not giving much of a damn about their employees. After all, we're just temps. There are plenty of other sad asses lining up at the door to take our places.
So, to paraphrase the tee shirt, I worked two hours at this temp job and all I got was a lousy cd of pictures of my brain and the beginning of a totally kick arse scar. Faaaan-tastic!
So I will be scrapping Plan A, which I believe is trying to kill me, and commencing Plan B! Plan B is essentially focusing on the Pittsburgh job search, getting out there by late Oct or early Nov, and maybe not having the fantastic pad right right away. I've come to the realisation that I'm not alone and that there are people who want to help me, none more than my Love. He has been my strength, my sanity, and my hope throughout this whole mess. He's been my biggest supporter, my most vocal fan, and the source of my greatest peace lately. This man loves me and actually wants me around! And there is no place I'd rather be than in his arms. I've found my love and I'm so happy.
...even when weird crap happens to me.
17 September 2010
By the Light of the Setting Sun
That's when things became clear. It was a hot summer evening, the sunset reflecting off the river. We had met about seven hours before, though we had been talking for well over a year prior to that moment. Stopping on one of the bridges to take in the view of the city at Dusk, we continued the conversation we were having. He casually put his arm around me and we were silent for a moment. He then said "This is the greatest moment I've had in this city so far". It was then that we kissed for the first time. A moment that couldn't have been scripted more perfectly. That is what began the rest of my life.
I believe it was all providence. In that year we spoke prior to our meeting, we discovered so many similarities of interest, of spirit, and of morals. Odd things, like interest in obscure lore of countries most people don't realize even HAVE lore. Important things, like very similar life-defining experiences. Lovely things, like our shared faith. I used to joke that he was the male version of me. In meeting him, I realize that he is the other half of me.
And then there are the serendipitous events that led us to our eventual meeting. We met through a website that had all of about 2,000 people signed up to it, most of whom were located in Europe. He had been planning a move to a city closer to me, and one that I had been planning on visiting anyway. We also lost contact for several months and it was by a strange bout of "What can it hurt to just send one more email?" by myself that we even got back into contact. I believe there is a reason we found each other. I thank the Gods for him every day.
He isn't the main reason for this quest. I've been floating along this life, aimless, for far too long. I had no goals, no ideas, nothing. In visiting this city (even before I met him), I knew it was home. It has several great schools (I want to go back), one of which has my dream major, which has been difficult to find. I also have friends there already. This city is surrounded by rivers, bridges, and mountains; all things I love so much. It's close enough to visit my family, but far enough to get away from the quagmire that has bogged me down for so long.
And it has him. And our bridge.
I believe it was all providence. In that year we spoke prior to our meeting, we discovered so many similarities of interest, of spirit, and of morals. Odd things, like interest in obscure lore of countries most people don't realize even HAVE lore. Important things, like very similar life-defining experiences. Lovely things, like our shared faith. I used to joke that he was the male version of me. In meeting him, I realize that he is the other half of me.
And then there are the serendipitous events that led us to our eventual meeting. We met through a website that had all of about 2,000 people signed up to it, most of whom were located in Europe. He had been planning a move to a city closer to me, and one that I had been planning on visiting anyway. We also lost contact for several months and it was by a strange bout of "What can it hurt to just send one more email?" by myself that we even got back into contact. I believe there is a reason we found each other. I thank the Gods for him every day.
He isn't the main reason for this quest. I've been floating along this life, aimless, for far too long. I had no goals, no ideas, nothing. In visiting this city (even before I met him), I knew it was home. It has several great schools (I want to go back), one of which has my dream major, which has been difficult to find. I also have friends there already. This city is surrounded by rivers, bridges, and mountains; all things I love so much. It's close enough to visit my family, but far enough to get away from the quagmire that has bogged me down for so long.
And it has him. And our bridge.
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