Winter's Night

On a cold Winter's night, I looked over at you. I could see your profile, barely illuminated by the kitchen light. It was dark, but I could see each feature of your face as if it were perfect daylight. I have your beautiful face memorized. I gaze at you often, and I see it in my dreams most every night. You were playing your game, and you looked content.

At that moment, I fell in love with you again for the hundredth time.

It's not that I've ever stopped loving you, but there are moments when I am overwhelmed. The same feeling I had when I first realised I love you swells up and crashes into me like a tidal wave. I can't breathe, there is joy that you're here, and there is fear that you won't be. Then you look over and smile at me. I can see in your eyes that the smile is real, and it's for me alone. Your smile, your touch, your kiss make everything alright.

As the last few hours of 2010 tick down, I can't help but think about the things that happened to us separately, the things that have damaged us and hurt us. While I know they are all things that brought us to this point in time, I still wish they didn't have to happen. I'm a little bit sorry to see this year end. It is the year that brought you to me, and the year I moved home. It's the year I found what true friendship is, and the year that gave me kinship. But it started with the taint of an old life. I lost a lot. While much of it was definitely for the best, there are things I can keenly feel the loss of.

On this eve of the new year, I am looking forward to a fresh page on the calendar. This coming year will see us celebrating our first year together. It will see us continue to build our life together, and further our wonderful relationship. I am looking forward to this next year of our life, and every year. I will love you for each and every day, and many of those days will find me falling in love with you yet again. For that I am so thankful.

There are other things I'm looking forward to the new year for as well, but I'll get into them another day.

In Closing of 2010

I know there's a week left, but the end of the year really is very close. A lot has happened and I've been reflecting a lot on that lately.

I've lost a lot of friends this year due to many factors, most of which were my choice. There was too much of an expectation placed on my by some of these people to be something I'm not. I didn't want to share everything anymore, or I couldn't handle the expectation of dropping everything for them when they couldn't even be there when I called. Lots of reasons, all of them healthy for my growth. There was one I lost that was as a result of my cutting out another. That was the only one I was upset about. But in thinking about it, I've realised I'm much better off there as well.

I've left New Jersey. I also left my girls (a dog and two bearded dragons)and my family. Saying goodbye to all of them was hard, as well as leaving the only home I had ever known at the time. It was also something I had never done before, which was scary as hell for me.

But this was the year that I finally got to meet, in person, someone who I had been talking to for a long time. This was someone who became very important to me and to whom I loved talking. He also turned out to be the love of my life. For that one addition to my life alone, this was the best year of my life. I'm also looking forward to the new year for the first time in a very long time. I know our future will be just as wonderful as our present is. I cannot properly convey in words just how much he means to me, and how happy he makes me. I could not love anyone as much as I love him.

Another addition to my life this year are the two friends I met along with my Love. They've become very important people to me, as well as my Kin. The four of us formed a Kindred at our Júl celebration and it was a wonderful night. They have made me feel extremely welcomed, and like I've been around far longer than the almost six months that I actually have.

I have completed week one of training at my new job. It's going well so far.I'm happy that I'll be able to contribute to our life and our future in a financial capacity. I've learned a lot and I think I'm doing well so far.

For 2011, I don't want much. I've found happiness and I hope to keep that, and have even more. I'm hoping to be able to start school and have one piece of unpleasant business taken care of. I'm hoping for a few other things that I don't want to tell anyone about. A girl has to have some secrets that she whispers only to the spirits.

For Christmas, I only want happiness for my Love, for my Mother and Papa L, for my dear friend, my girls, my Kin, and my friends. Tomorrow, I will feel some emptiness for those who aren't here with me, but my heart will be filled to bursting with the joy and excitement of a first holiday season with the man I love most in the world. That, and his family is pretty cool, so it will be a great day.

A Cold December Morning

It's very cold and windy here. Looks like it's going to be for the next week or so, at least. We are slowly getting the place decorated for Christmas and it's looking good. My important ornaments should now be in the (hopefully) capable hands of the USPS and on their way to me here. His Mom gave him his old ornaments as well. Currently, there are some tomten on the tree that we made together from paper, as well as a tree topper that I made. And, of course, candy canes. It's small, it's simple, but it's absolutely beautiful because it's ours.

The next few weeks will see a lot of new things for me (again). We will be celebrating our first event as a Kindred this coming weekend, which means another trip to Ohio. On Monday, I'll be starting my new job. This will be the first time I've worked since July, as well as the first job outside of NJ, the first "real" company I've worked for in about seven years. This year will also mark the first Christmas morning that I'll not see my Mom, and the first Christmas I won't spend with her. But this is also the first of many Christmas seasons that J and I will spend together. We're starting to make the traditions and holidays that we will celebrate and observe for a very long time.

I've kind of fallen into a rut, though. The past week or so hasn't been the greatest. My body has been doing some weird things (nothing serious, just annoying) which has been throwing my mind a bit off kilter. I've got things I need to do before Friday, but I've been procrastinating. I'm being a colossal wuss about going out in that weather, though there are things I need to get (and do). Once I start working, I can't be a lazy slug anymore, so there is that.

Overall, things are going pretty well. I'm looking forward to the coming year for the first time in a very long time. I'm looking forward to the future, and every moment in the present. A rambling stream of thought for the moment. Perhaps later I'll be more coherent and fluid.

Written a Long Time Ago

Before I knew he existed, I dreamed about him. After that, there was another thing that happened which I believe was an early indication of him coming into my life. Both had such an effect on me, that I wrote about what I experienced, saw and felt. Before we first started talking, and even before the dream and the other experience, I (like everyone) had several ideas of what I wanted in a person. I never thought this man existed, or that I'd ever find him.

For well over a year while we talked, I had a huge crush on him and wanted to see if we could be as good together as we were in emails. The second I saw him, I just knew. It wasn't even so much as a choice (though he's the only person I'd ever choose to be with) as it was just knowing that man at the top of the hill was (and still is) the man of my dreams, the man I've always wanted.

It all came back to me when I read what I wrote, and it made me all the more thankful that I've got him in my life after wanting him for so long. I realise that this whole blog is at least half full of love letters to him, but I'm okay with that. I write what's in my mind and what's in my heart, and he's always there.

(It's pretty cheesy, even by "poetry standards". Just a fair warning)

My eyes have not looked upon you
My hands have not touched your face
My lips have not felt your kiss

But my soul has met yours
My spirit has reached out to you
With all that I have, I hope you answer

I have traveled to you, at night
I have felt your voice upon my ear
I have felt your lips upon my neck

You have looked into my eyes
And touched my face
But upon my waking, you disappear

My soul forever altered
Its mate, perhaps far away
I want to see you, touch you, kiss you, love you

But are you real? Can you truly exist?
Will this lovely vision of the future come?
Will I hold you upon the hilltop?

Will I hear you whisper in my ear
"I love you, my Beloved, my Dearest
Stay with me forever, here in my arms"?

Who am I?

I had a plan, I really did.

Now, I just don't know anymore. I mean, I know what I want for the future, but there are three things that just don't go together as well in practice as they do in theory. Even focusing on two and forgoing (or stalling) the third isn't necessarily something that will completely work. Part of it is I'm really feeling my age creep up on me. Realistically, I'm not old, but my age IS going to limit the time I have for a lot of things. I don't want to dwell on anything, but I do wish I was a lot younger when I found all of what I have now.

My head has been spinning for a while now trying to process this all. Maybe I'm being greedy. I love what I have, but I want as much time as possible. I want to be able to do everything, but I don't know if I'll have the time. I've never taken reminders of my own mortality very well. And oddly, it's always been good things that have pushed me toward this line of thinking. The infinity of the universe, the blessings that I want to hang on to, the good future I envision...

Not to mention the fact that I still don't quite know who I am. I am the Lady of a wonderful man, and (as he has told me) the light of his life.I am the daughter that my Mother loves. I'm the long-distance Mommy of a pretty little bichon frise lady. I'm the adopted child of Papa L (though he loves me like I'm his blood). I'm aunt to the two most awesome little girls in the world. I'm sister to a cool brother (that I don't get to see very often). I'm kin to two great people. I'm a friend to a few others. I love being all of these things, but what am I if I'm by myself?

Lately, I've been a bit of a Facebook addict, a serious dreamer, a master chef and decorator in my own mind (too much Food Network and HGTV). I've been attempting to also be a good house-girlfriend. It's not that I feel it's expected or that I must, but I want to contribute.

But this still doesn't define who I am when I'm alone. I like to write, I love to draw, paint, sculpt and sew, I love to read (though it's less enjoyable with my eyes going, see the part about me being old above), I want to learn. But where do I go from there? How does that define me? I haven't a clue.

Another Piece Near Completion

I've found a job, as long as I pass the drug test and the background check (which is honestly a no-brainer, as I've got a boring past with no surprises). I'll be starting 20 December, which means I'll have income come the new year. It's not the most exciting job on Earth (phone customer service), but it's decent money. Maybe I'll have some interesting stories to share at least. And I'll be able to contribute to the current money situations, as well as the future. I've been enjoying the ability to be a house frau and do the cleaning, I'll admit. But taking some pressure off him and giving back more than just some clean dishes is going to be better, I think.

I do wish I'd have money available for Christmas, but I may just have to give my Love a January Christmas =)

Fear

Many of the details are fuzzy, but the worst ones are the ones I see when I close my eyes.

<They came seemingly out of nowhere, three or four of them. A hand reached around and I saw a flash of metal, just before his blood splashed across my chest. His mouth tried to form words, but no sound came out. His eyes huge and screaming, pleaded with me to run but I couldn't leave him. As he fell, I reached out and tried to catch him, but more hands appeared and grabbed my arms. I pulled at the restraints, not to free myself, but to get closer to him. I could see his breath escaping from the bubbling tear in his throat, the fatal spring staining his beard a garish red.

A hand was tight around my arm, another tearing at the front of my coat, a third clamped itself around my screaming mouth. I saw strange, angry faces at the periphery of my view, but my eyes were locked on his. I tried to will the bleeding to stop, tried to will myself to his side. I heard nothing but his labored breathing and his voice (though in my head) screaming at me to get away and get to safety. I slowly became aware that I was exposed to the cold air, hands all over me. I saw his eyes become angry as he tried to stand up. He clawed himself toward me, more blood hitting the ground with each exertion. Tears ran down my face as I begged him to go find help while I distracted them. I didn't care what they did to me, as long as I could hold him again.>

This is part of a dream I had a few nights ago. The worst part of it is not that happened to me, but what happened to him. I keep seeing it in my mind's eye, him bleeding, the pain in his eyes...

But the part I won't forget is that, even though he was horribly wounded, he still did everything he could to save me. I believe that part to be true, that he would do anything in his power to protect me and keep me safe. I believe that he loves me as much as I love him. And I believe that he's as happy with me as i am with him.

But a conversation we had earlier in the week reminded me how close we came to not being here together. The way I should look at that is that we are meant to be here, not to mention the fact that we ARE here! But I've become so afraid that I'm going to do something that is going to destroy it all, that my own insecurity is going to hurt him. I feel like a tremendous ass, but for some reason, the insecurity has kicked into full gear and I'm worried about the self-fulfilling prophesy. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, that I'm failing at being better.

I know that he loves me, that he is happy with me, and that he feels I'm a good addition to his life. But I'm so afraid that I'm going to somehow drag him down. I feel like I've done it before to other people and I never want to do anything to hurt him, ever.

Though that's just what I'm going to do if I keep dwelling on the fears and insecurities. I want to be here and with him for the rest of my life. I am not going to let myself indulge in this idiocy for much longer. I've got so much to be thankful for. I have no right or reason to worry about it so much.