Winter's Night

On a cold Winter's night, I looked over at you. I could see your profile, barely illuminated by the kitchen light. It was dark, but I could see each feature of your face as if it were perfect daylight. I have your beautiful face memorized. I gaze at you often, and I see it in my dreams most every night. You were playing your game, and you looked content.

At that moment, I fell in love with you again for the hundredth time.

It's not that I've ever stopped loving you, but there are moments when I am overwhelmed. The same feeling I had when I first realised I love you swells up and crashes into me like a tidal wave. I can't breathe, there is joy that you're here, and there is fear that you won't be. Then you look over and smile at me. I can see in your eyes that the smile is real, and it's for me alone. Your smile, your touch, your kiss make everything alright.

As the last few hours of 2010 tick down, I can't help but think about the things that happened to us separately, the things that have damaged us and hurt us. While I know they are all things that brought us to this point in time, I still wish they didn't have to happen. I'm a little bit sorry to see this year end. It is the year that brought you to me, and the year I moved home. It's the year I found what true friendship is, and the year that gave me kinship. But it started with the taint of an old life. I lost a lot. While much of it was definitely for the best, there are things I can keenly feel the loss of.

On this eve of the new year, I am looking forward to a fresh page on the calendar. This coming year will see us celebrating our first year together. It will see us continue to build our life together, and further our wonderful relationship. I am looking forward to this next year of our life, and every year. I will love you for each and every day, and many of those days will find me falling in love with you yet again. For that I am so thankful.

There are other things I'm looking forward to the new year for as well, but I'll get into them another day.

In Closing of 2010

I know there's a week left, but the end of the year really is very close. A lot has happened and I've been reflecting a lot on that lately.

I've lost a lot of friends this year due to many factors, most of which were my choice. There was too much of an expectation placed on my by some of these people to be something I'm not. I didn't want to share everything anymore, or I couldn't handle the expectation of dropping everything for them when they couldn't even be there when I called. Lots of reasons, all of them healthy for my growth. There was one I lost that was as a result of my cutting out another. That was the only one I was upset about. But in thinking about it, I've realised I'm much better off there as well.

I've left New Jersey. I also left my girls (a dog and two bearded dragons)and my family. Saying goodbye to all of them was hard, as well as leaving the only home I had ever known at the time. It was also something I had never done before, which was scary as hell for me.

But this was the year that I finally got to meet, in person, someone who I had been talking to for a long time. This was someone who became very important to me and to whom I loved talking. He also turned out to be the love of my life. For that one addition to my life alone, this was the best year of my life. I'm also looking forward to the new year for the first time in a very long time. I know our future will be just as wonderful as our present is. I cannot properly convey in words just how much he means to me, and how happy he makes me. I could not love anyone as much as I love him.

Another addition to my life this year are the two friends I met along with my Love. They've become very important people to me, as well as my Kin. The four of us formed a Kindred at our Júl celebration and it was a wonderful night. They have made me feel extremely welcomed, and like I've been around far longer than the almost six months that I actually have.

I have completed week one of training at my new job. It's going well so far.I'm happy that I'll be able to contribute to our life and our future in a financial capacity. I've learned a lot and I think I'm doing well so far.

For 2011, I don't want much. I've found happiness and I hope to keep that, and have even more. I'm hoping to be able to start school and have one piece of unpleasant business taken care of. I'm hoping for a few other things that I don't want to tell anyone about. A girl has to have some secrets that she whispers only to the spirits.

For Christmas, I only want happiness for my Love, for my Mother and Papa L, for my dear friend, my girls, my Kin, and my friends. Tomorrow, I will feel some emptiness for those who aren't here with me, but my heart will be filled to bursting with the joy and excitement of a first holiday season with the man I love most in the world. That, and his family is pretty cool, so it will be a great day.

A Cold December Morning

It's very cold and windy here. Looks like it's going to be for the next week or so, at least. We are slowly getting the place decorated for Christmas and it's looking good. My important ornaments should now be in the (hopefully) capable hands of the USPS and on their way to me here. His Mom gave him his old ornaments as well. Currently, there are some tomten on the tree that we made together from paper, as well as a tree topper that I made. And, of course, candy canes. It's small, it's simple, but it's absolutely beautiful because it's ours.

The next few weeks will see a lot of new things for me (again). We will be celebrating our first event as a Kindred this coming weekend, which means another trip to Ohio. On Monday, I'll be starting my new job. This will be the first time I've worked since July, as well as the first job outside of NJ, the first "real" company I've worked for in about seven years. This year will also mark the first Christmas morning that I'll not see my Mom, and the first Christmas I won't spend with her. But this is also the first of many Christmas seasons that J and I will spend together. We're starting to make the traditions and holidays that we will celebrate and observe for a very long time.

I've kind of fallen into a rut, though. The past week or so hasn't been the greatest. My body has been doing some weird things (nothing serious, just annoying) which has been throwing my mind a bit off kilter. I've got things I need to do before Friday, but I've been procrastinating. I'm being a colossal wuss about going out in that weather, though there are things I need to get (and do). Once I start working, I can't be a lazy slug anymore, so there is that.

Overall, things are going pretty well. I'm looking forward to the coming year for the first time in a very long time. I'm looking forward to the future, and every moment in the present. A rambling stream of thought for the moment. Perhaps later I'll be more coherent and fluid.

Written a Long Time Ago

Before I knew he existed, I dreamed about him. After that, there was another thing that happened which I believe was an early indication of him coming into my life. Both had such an effect on me, that I wrote about what I experienced, saw and felt. Before we first started talking, and even before the dream and the other experience, I (like everyone) had several ideas of what I wanted in a person. I never thought this man existed, or that I'd ever find him.

For well over a year while we talked, I had a huge crush on him and wanted to see if we could be as good together as we were in emails. The second I saw him, I just knew. It wasn't even so much as a choice (though he's the only person I'd ever choose to be with) as it was just knowing that man at the top of the hill was (and still is) the man of my dreams, the man I've always wanted.

It all came back to me when I read what I wrote, and it made me all the more thankful that I've got him in my life after wanting him for so long. I realise that this whole blog is at least half full of love letters to him, but I'm okay with that. I write what's in my mind and what's in my heart, and he's always there.

(It's pretty cheesy, even by "poetry standards". Just a fair warning)

My eyes have not looked upon you
My hands have not touched your face
My lips have not felt your kiss

But my soul has met yours
My spirit has reached out to you
With all that I have, I hope you answer

I have traveled to you, at night
I have felt your voice upon my ear
I have felt your lips upon my neck

You have looked into my eyes
And touched my face
But upon my waking, you disappear

My soul forever altered
Its mate, perhaps far away
I want to see you, touch you, kiss you, love you

But are you real? Can you truly exist?
Will this lovely vision of the future come?
Will I hold you upon the hilltop?

Will I hear you whisper in my ear
"I love you, my Beloved, my Dearest
Stay with me forever, here in my arms"?

Who am I?

I had a plan, I really did.

Now, I just don't know anymore. I mean, I know what I want for the future, but there are three things that just don't go together as well in practice as they do in theory. Even focusing on two and forgoing (or stalling) the third isn't necessarily something that will completely work. Part of it is I'm really feeling my age creep up on me. Realistically, I'm not old, but my age IS going to limit the time I have for a lot of things. I don't want to dwell on anything, but I do wish I was a lot younger when I found all of what I have now.

My head has been spinning for a while now trying to process this all. Maybe I'm being greedy. I love what I have, but I want as much time as possible. I want to be able to do everything, but I don't know if I'll have the time. I've never taken reminders of my own mortality very well. And oddly, it's always been good things that have pushed me toward this line of thinking. The infinity of the universe, the blessings that I want to hang on to, the good future I envision...

Not to mention the fact that I still don't quite know who I am. I am the Lady of a wonderful man, and (as he has told me) the light of his life.I am the daughter that my Mother loves. I'm the long-distance Mommy of a pretty little bichon frise lady. I'm the adopted child of Papa L (though he loves me like I'm his blood). I'm aunt to the two most awesome little girls in the world. I'm sister to a cool brother (that I don't get to see very often). I'm kin to two great people. I'm a friend to a few others. I love being all of these things, but what am I if I'm by myself?

Lately, I've been a bit of a Facebook addict, a serious dreamer, a master chef and decorator in my own mind (too much Food Network and HGTV). I've been attempting to also be a good house-girlfriend. It's not that I feel it's expected or that I must, but I want to contribute.

But this still doesn't define who I am when I'm alone. I like to write, I love to draw, paint, sculpt and sew, I love to read (though it's less enjoyable with my eyes going, see the part about me being old above), I want to learn. But where do I go from there? How does that define me? I haven't a clue.

Another Piece Near Completion

I've found a job, as long as I pass the drug test and the background check (which is honestly a no-brainer, as I've got a boring past with no surprises). I'll be starting 20 December, which means I'll have income come the new year. It's not the most exciting job on Earth (phone customer service), but it's decent money. Maybe I'll have some interesting stories to share at least. And I'll be able to contribute to the current money situations, as well as the future. I've been enjoying the ability to be a house frau and do the cleaning, I'll admit. But taking some pressure off him and giving back more than just some clean dishes is going to be better, I think.

I do wish I'd have money available for Christmas, but I may just have to give my Love a January Christmas =)

Fear

Many of the details are fuzzy, but the worst ones are the ones I see when I close my eyes.

<They came seemingly out of nowhere, three or four of them. A hand reached around and I saw a flash of metal, just before his blood splashed across my chest. His mouth tried to form words, but no sound came out. His eyes huge and screaming, pleaded with me to run but I couldn't leave him. As he fell, I reached out and tried to catch him, but more hands appeared and grabbed my arms. I pulled at the restraints, not to free myself, but to get closer to him. I could see his breath escaping from the bubbling tear in his throat, the fatal spring staining his beard a garish red.

A hand was tight around my arm, another tearing at the front of my coat, a third clamped itself around my screaming mouth. I saw strange, angry faces at the periphery of my view, but my eyes were locked on his. I tried to will the bleeding to stop, tried to will myself to his side. I heard nothing but his labored breathing and his voice (though in my head) screaming at me to get away and get to safety. I slowly became aware that I was exposed to the cold air, hands all over me. I saw his eyes become angry as he tried to stand up. He clawed himself toward me, more blood hitting the ground with each exertion. Tears ran down my face as I begged him to go find help while I distracted them. I didn't care what they did to me, as long as I could hold him again.>

This is part of a dream I had a few nights ago. The worst part of it is not that happened to me, but what happened to him. I keep seeing it in my mind's eye, him bleeding, the pain in his eyes...

But the part I won't forget is that, even though he was horribly wounded, he still did everything he could to save me. I believe that part to be true, that he would do anything in his power to protect me and keep me safe. I believe that he loves me as much as I love him. And I believe that he's as happy with me as i am with him.

But a conversation we had earlier in the week reminded me how close we came to not being here together. The way I should look at that is that we are meant to be here, not to mention the fact that we ARE here! But I've become so afraid that I'm going to do something that is going to destroy it all, that my own insecurity is going to hurt him. I feel like a tremendous ass, but for some reason, the insecurity has kicked into full gear and I'm worried about the self-fulfilling prophesy. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, that I'm failing at being better.

I know that he loves me, that he is happy with me, and that he feels I'm a good addition to his life. But I'm so afraid that I'm going to somehow drag him down. I feel like I've done it before to other people and I never want to do anything to hurt him, ever.

Though that's just what I'm going to do if I keep dwelling on the fears and insecurities. I want to be here and with him for the rest of my life. I am not going to let myself indulge in this idiocy for much longer. I've got so much to be thankful for. I have no right or reason to worry about it so much.

Thankful

A while back, I went through what is probably the worst time of my life. It devastated me, but i also forced me to reevaluate my life. After the initial trauma subsided, I decided I was worth more than I had always sought out and I started thinking about what I wanted and needed from life. I asked myself what were the things that sustained me, and what were the things that would be most important. Some things stayed the same, while others changed.

I'd always wanted a relationship with someone I could be happy with, even if we were homeless or the last people on Earth. I also wanted to be generally a happy person, knowing what real happiness felt like. I wanted to go to school and learn, and find a way to not only practice my faith, but live it too. And I wanted my family with me (the ones I had already, and any more I may find).

One day, I sat and thought about the person I'd want to end up with. I confess, it's because I had signed up to a few dating sites to see if I could still even attract someone. I did, but they weren't necessarily people I wanted to be with. I ended up making a rough list of what the perfect man for me would be. It ranged from the superficial right on through to the very deep.

But the list didn't come completely out of my head. I thought back to everything I had ever been attracted to in people, as well as what I wished people I had been with were like, but also I remembered back to a few dreams I had had throughout my life. These dreams were wonderful and happy dreams that would depress me when I woke up realising they weren't real. Through all of this, I decided I wanted him to be between 31-39 yeas old, have long hair (I've always loved a longhair, but ended up with short haired men), facial hair (preferably an epic Viking beard), would either have reddish or black hair, Have tattoos, be taller than me, like metal music, enjoy at least some of the same books and music I do, and enjoy being outside. He should be intelligent and able to have conversations, but also someone who wouldn't use his intelligence to make others feel inferior. He should be an artist or a musician, someone who is creative. I wanted him to be open with his emotions, kind, loving, not afraid to kiss me in public, and for him to be able to understand me and I, him. I wanted a Heathen that I could share my faith with, and someone with similar values and views that I could share my life with. I hoped he wouldn't have kids yet, and I wanted him to be a non-smoker. This isn't the entire list, as I did it in my head, but that's the gist of it. I didn't expect I'd find even half of that in one person, but it was good to have an idea.

I found that there were two dating sites devoted to people who liked metal. I created profiles on both of them, not necessarily expecting much. There were under 1000 people on each at the time, and many of the people were in Europe. I did talk to a few people that were either too young, too far away, or I just wasn't interested in beyond friendship. I made some short term friends, and one long term one through the experience. But one day, someone popped up on the new members of one of the sites. He was gorgeous with the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. When I read his profile, I saw how much we had in common and how much of my little list he met. and I hoped he would contact me. I was afraid to send the email myself, but I was interested enough that I decided I would if I hadn't heard from him in a few days. The next day, there was a message on the site. I checked and it was from him. We emailed for a long time and I found just how deep the similarities went.

The rest of this story is known by anyone who may have read more of this, because this man is the man who, on a bridge overlooking a river in Pittsburgh on a hot July night, kissed me for the first time and changed my life.

I'm so thankful for him, his love, and the way he believes in me. I am thankful that he has let me be a part of his life. I'm thankful for what we have now, and for the promise that our future holds. I'm thankful that I've got happiness with him, and that I have someone I would be happy with, even if we were the last people on Earth.

Tomorrow, I'll look at you, my Love, and give thanks for all that you are to me. I will hold your hand and be thankful for all the ways you've changed me, and my life, for the better. I'll also hope that I bring you even half the joy you bring me.

Lighting Up The Season

My laptop isn't booting up, so I've been a bit less online lately. The desktop is still in NJ at the moment, so I'm limited to using J's computer when he's not using it.

This past Friday, we went to Pittsburgh's Christmas lighting events around town. It was so wonderful walking around with him through the streets of our city. The magic of the holiday lights, the realization that I live here now, and being on his arm was almost overwhelming. I had several moments when I unconsciously drifted into the "visitor" feeling, then I would look around the crowd and see people who probably came in from the suburbs. It would hit me that my home, OUR home wasn't that far away from the festivities.

One moment in particular really stood out in regard to the "Oh my goodness, this is my home!" feeling. We had gone back to Market Square after the lights had been turned on. We saw the city's tree off to one side, and there were lights everywhere in the square itself. As I stood there with my Love's arms wrapped around me, I took in the lights and felt the familiar warmth that usually comes with the season start to come over me. As the lights began to dance with the music, it all felt so foreign. The place, the people,  the feel, everything. It wasn't bad, just different. He pointed out a group of people on a roof, sitting around a large lit tree and I said to myself  "How fortunate they are to live here". Then it hit me again that I live here too. I closed my eyes and leaned my head on his shoulder and I remembered that was home, no matter where we are. But we're here and it's perfect.

As I stood there, I wished my Mother was there too. She would enjoy the lights of the city, I think. I wish she and Papa-L could come to visit. I actually know where I'm going to show them around, and I do miss them. The holidays always make me think about how few people I have left in my life. But on the other side, I also think about how extraordinary those people that I do have are. I have a few family members, but they're amazing, my few friends are fantastic, and my Beloved is everything I have ever wanted.

I have times when I miss people, places, smells, feelings. I was thinking about how I actually kind of miss going to Chili's with the boys, and even "Farva" being rotten to me. He's my oldest friend and, while he was a pain in the ass now and again, he still would do whatever he could to help me, and anyone. We've laughed a lot in the almost 15 years that we've known each other. We've been mistaken for siblings because of how we go on. And in a way, he IS my brother. Nothing was ever such a big issue that it came between us. I always hated it when they decided it was Chili's for dinner... AGAIN. But honestly, it was always fun. And even D, with all of what happened between us, is still one of my best friends. Oddly, even after everything, he's still one of only a few people I know I can trust. Everything is going to be different, and I'm not used to so much different...

...but I cannot bring myself to be even remotely sad. Everything is too good now. I'm so very happy at his point that it balances any of the sacrifices that I've made. I love the family and friends back in NJ, but I LOVE my life here. The melancholy may still come, but it won't stay long. For the past two years, I've dreaded this time of year because it was going to be awkward and scary. But this year, while it will be different, it will be magical again. I have love and joy, and I have someone to share it all with.

Through His Eyes

I'm trying to stop seeing myself through the filter I've created for myself. I've been so negative about myself for far too long, and with fairly good reason. My father's philosophy with me was "If you don't have anything mean to say, don't say anything at all". I've also had some people who were close to me do some things that kind of messed with my head.  But there comes a time when I can't hide behind that anymore. I'm a grown woman and it's time to take ownership of who I am now.

In reality, I have accomplished a few things that I have every right to be proud of. I've always had a hard time with being proud of myself, never feeling like I had the right. I've got a couple of goals that I have to keep in my head, and not allow them to be optional. Well, the job one will never be optional, but the school goal has always been something I'd pushed off in favor of other things. But I like accomplishing things. I like the feeling that I've done something good. I also like the idea of doing something that the people I love will be proud of.

And then there is the thing that means the most to me, which is the fact that there is someone who believes in me, and is not afraid to tell me so. There is a man who values me as much as I value him. To him, I'm beautiful. To him, I'm intelligent. To him, I'm a good person. He sees me as a good addition to his life. He's supportive, loving, and completely amazing. I have to remember that I'm the woman that this man wants to be with, and there has to be a reason. He sees things in me that not many have seen before (if anyone). I am so lucky to have found the man who, until recently, I'd only though lived in my dreams. I'm even luckier that he seems to feel somewhat the same about me.

I really should start looking at myself a little less through the grey filter I've created for myself, and a little more through his eyes. It is in those eyes that I feel most at ease, that I've found home and contentment. It should be in those eyes that I see myself.

Disconcerted

I'm not even completely sure where to begin. The past few days, I've had some intermittent creepy feelings. It didn't start with the dream, but that hasn't helped much.

I haven't had any real weirdness here prior. It's always felt welcoming and good, with no weirdness. I've had some experiences before that makes me believe I am at least vaguely sensitive to weird energy, but I'd never felt it here.

I have my alarm clock set up so I can listen to music on my iPod. I keep the player plugged into it (as I always have with no issue). In the past 5 or so days, it will turn on by itself. It's happened about 5 times so far, the most recent was today. It never did it before this past week (even though it would be plugged in sometimes for days at a time). Of course, I'm not as surprised, considering the rest of it...

On Friday, I was cleaning the apartment and all was fine. When I was in the bedroom vacuuming, I felt a feeling like someone was there with me. It wasn't malevolent at all, and somewhat gave me an old man sort of vibe. But it was a bit disconcerting none the less. I honestly didn't think too much of it because I was a bit sore and a bit tired. I just figured it was due to that.

Friday night, my Love and I had a really nice evening. Saturday was somewhat uneventful, other than the fact that I believe the iPod went on by itself again. We had a great day, and I all but forgot about everything.

We stayed up pretty late Saturday night and again, it was a good night. I had an odd dream very early Sunday morning. Without going too much into it at the moment, I woke up with the absolute belief that there is a ghost realm, and it was as normal as anything else. I got up for a moment. While I was in the bathroom, I was completely convinced that I wasn't alone. There was no threatening feeling, but it was far too early in the morning, and far too dark for me to really want to deal with it. I almost ran back to the bed, but I didn't want to wake him up by diving into bed, with some silly story of ghosts scaring me. Instead, I walked back and got into bed calmly. I curled up as close to him as I could and I felt safe again.

Sunday afternoon, while I was taking my shower, I felt again like I wasn't alone. I thought he had come in to try and scare me, but there was no one there. It came and went a couple of times. Again, it was weird and mildly disconcerting, but nothing too bad. He came in just as I was getting out and I confirmed with him that he hadn't come in while I was showering.

That night, I got up again just before we went to sleep. Again, while I was in the bathroom, I felt the presence again, this time strong enough to scare me. It could also be that, at this point, I'm getting jumpy about everything. I was afraid to the point that I felt ill at ease even after I got back into bed. I again got as close to him as I could and pulled the blankets up over me. I laid there for a little while, worrying about being alone in the morning when he went to work.

I woke up early this morning again and this time while I was in the bathroom, I asked whomever it was to please let me be in peace. I was a little bit on edge, but I didn't feel anything odd.

I had a dream about a person I've cut out of my life recently, and a couple who have decided to cut me out as a result. I don't honestly believe she has any ability to effect me, but whenever she shows up, it bothers me. Again, I'm wondering if it's related to the unease I've been prone to. I woke up this morning feeling fine, but extremely sore. I've spent most of my time on the opposite side of the apartment as the bathroom and bedroom. Other than being a bit cold and uncomfortable, I'm alright today.

I just don't know whether it's me or the apartment. I have found that, since all of this began happening, my mood has been a bit quicker to darken just a bit. I feel like I shouldn't be this way because I still am extremely happy, but it's happening anyway. I did start playing with some of my photos this weekend though (as much as my lack of knowledge and tools allow). I've noticed I've been less able to write, and had more of a desire to continue with my visual "art". I don't know if it's because I consider that to be more of a challenge than writing. I don't want to stagnate. I want to get back into what I used to enjoy doing, and maybe take it all further this time. I don't know if the old man is someone who lived here or if it's my grandfather, who always enjoyed when I did "weird" things. I'd be far more comforted if it was him and he was trying to push me, but I more apt to believe it's someone or something else. I don't even really know if I want to even share this, but I've been writing it for hours, so I'll just let it go through.

Either way, the day is half over. I've done a few things while writing this, but there's still a lot to do.

I'm still waiting until J comes home before I take a shower...

Settling In

I've been here about a week now. In that time, I've settled in somewhat and I've been trying to do things to help out. I've also been looking at jobs and have applied to a few. So far, no word. But next week, that becomes my next quest: To find a job. With the holiday season coming up, I'd really like to have money. Not to mention the fact that I need to start contributing here, and clean up some of the NJ mess.

I've been cooking and cleaning and trying to keep up with everything I enjoy doing. Writing has been a bit difficult or some reason lately. I keep starting entries, then losing my train of thought, and abandoning them. I've been wanting to draw more than write, but even that is a bit on the slow-going side. I'd also love to go out and take pictures, but then I wonder what on earth I'll do with them, so I don't.

I think it's more the fact that I feel like there are things I need to do before I do what I want to do. But the funny thing is I'm rather enjoying things like cleaning, cooking, and other such chores. I never did before, but for some reason, it's kind of fun. I am, however, looking forward to this weekend. We don't have to be anywhere other than dinner on Sunday night with his sister and brother in law, which I think will be very enjoyable. We can relax, leisurely go somewhere if we want, stay home if we don't. Just a regular weekend at home with the man I love. A nice, normal weekend. It's been far too long.

So far, this has been pretty much the life I've always wanted. Once the job gets taken care of, I'll be even better off. And beyond that, there will be school, getting everything else straight, and maybe some more physical activity. But right now, I'm quite content with how everything is going so far.

One Second

Decisions made just like that can effect a lifetime of carefully laid plans. It's all it takes. One second. To derail an entire life's worth of work. To find the path again. To create, or destroy a relationship. To do, to undo.

Sure, we may spend lots of time weighing the options, playing the scenarios in our head, and listing the pros and cons. But after all of the back and forth, up and down, the actual decision itself takes a second.

I've made thousands of decisions in my life. Some were good ones, many were wrong ones, and I DO have some regrets. But there were a couple of decisions that I've made in the past seven months that have proven to be some of the best decisions I've ever made. These decisions have proven to be catalysts for what I've got now.

My love and I had been friends for a while, but we'd fallen out of touch for a few months. I had thought about him for the entire time. One day, I decided to send an email to him. After that, we went right back to emailing often. Of course, a few decisions on his part also helped the end result (like the first text message he sent me). Then I decided that I was going to go to Pittsburgh. This one was a decision I mulled over. I was nervous about meeting him because I had always had a wicked crush on him and I didn't think he had any interest in me beyond friendship.

My decision to move to Pittsburgh was a decision I made without any real debate. I just knew I wanted to be here. And after that, the decisions I made pertaining to our first day together were pretty easy as well. And the decision that I love him was... well... not much of a decision at all, actually. It just is.

As I've said, I am happier than I've ever been. I've got a great life with a great man, my other half. He's the piece that's been missing, the light I've been longing for, everything I've ever wanted and needed. He is everything to me, and makes me want to be everything for him.

His friendship saved me, and his love has made me a better woman. While I've worked hard on myself these past couple of years, I wouldn't be near where I am emotionally without him. I just hope I can do the same for him. I love him more than anything. Without several decisions, several seconds in my life, I may not have found him. I don't want to think of what my life would be without him.

I've decided I'm very happy I don't have to.

Home For Me

The day I left to come home (4 Nov 2010), it rained. The morning was rough. My dear friend had to work at 6am, so he woke me up and I said goodbye to him then. It wasn't as difficult, as I was still half asleep. While I was rushing around (because I'd procrastinated), I dropped something on my toe in just the right angle to cause maximum pain. I couldn't find things I needed, which slowed me way down. I also forgot several things that I had planned to pack. As Papa-L and I loaded up the car, the rain came down harder.  I had a feeling things weren't going to go well. Mom and Papa-L decided that I couldn't go without good windshield wipers, so he went to the store and got some new ones and installed them for me (while it was still pouring).

It was hard saying goodbye to everyone and I cried a lot (unsurprising for me, as I cry far too easily at certain times). When I got into the car to go, they were there waving to me. I stopped for lunch and had a conversation with the drive-thru girl about relocating. I went a bit further and stopped for gas, the last time someone else would pump my gas for me. After that, I finished eating my lunch and I was off. As I drove through New Jersey, I talked to my car, telling her we could do this. The rain made it very difficult to see where I was going, and I was trying not to cry.I was nervous, worried, sad, and scared. As soon as I crossed over the bridge into Pennsylvania, I felt a bit of peace come over me. I took one last look at New Jersey in the rear view mirror, and I was alright.

The rest of the ride was fantastic. It did not feel like I drove as far as I did. My car did great. I promised her when we pulled into the parking lot that I would pen the Lay of the Hooptie, the story of how she made it through the great relocation pilgrimage of 2010, and did it better than a brand new car.

I pulled up at my new home at around 6:30pm. There was traffic downtown, but I actually did make really good time getting here. I sat in my car for a moment as the realisation that I was, in fact, home really hit me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to stop smiling so broadly. I got out of the car and stretched a bit, but I couldn't wait to get upstairs to see him. I was also a bit anxious because this was it, the real thing. I wasn't going back to NJ again, and I was hoping that he truly was okay with that.

I barely remember walking up the stairs and knocking on the door, but I do remember waiting for him. I also remember the door opening and joy I felt when he kissed me and welcomed me home. As I started unpacking, he made me the most amazing dinner and we relaxed. When we went to bed, as I drifted off to sleep in his arms, I was smiling and completely at peace.

We were home for another day, then off to Ohio for the weekend. That was great and a little stressful at the same time. Overall though, I had a great time. My Love's family is really great, and I felt welcomed and accepted. More than a few people asked me if I was ready to run yet. In seriousness, there's nothing that would make me go anywhere, but meeting everyone made me so much more at ease. The only person who's feelings about me I care about is my Love, but it does make it easier on him that I'm comfortable with his family and they seem to be comfortable with me.

Tomorrow, we will be together four months.. It feels like much longer that I've loved him. He's such a huge part of my life that I almost don't really remember a time before him. Our entire time together so far has been amazing. Now that I'm here with him, its changed for the better. I honestly didn't realise it could be even better, or that I could have more fun with him than I was before. I think we're both more at ease now. Also, it's no longer long distance, it's a normal relationship now. We're settling into it, and it's going well. I really can see us continuing to laugh, to play, and to live our life together for a very long time. At least I hope so, because I can't imagine living without him.

The Hardest Part

The next ten hours are probably going to be the hardest I'm going to deal with. Saying goodbye to people is something I hate worse than anything in the world. I'm going to have to say goodbye to some of the most important people (and animals) in my life in the morning.

First, my Mother. She and I have never lived more than a mile apart. And for most of my life, we've been essentially under the same roof (either my childhood home, or in different apartments within the same building). Once I moved out at the age of 22, our relationship has been extremely close. She's been one of my best friends, the only parent that's consistently been there for me, and a huge support system. We still have our differences, but they're minor. I don't know what I'd do without her, and I'm not sure how I'll handle not having her near me whenever I want to see her... or need her.

My dear friend. He is my ex, but he is, and always will be family. He's likely going to have a hard time because, up until tomorrow morning, we've still lived together. As much shit that's happened in the final year of our relationship, I can't hate him or think badly about him. Quite the contrary. He's someone I've been able to talk to, laugh with, have fun with, and trust. I've not had many friends like that, so I have no interest or intention on letting this friendship go. He's been a part of my life in some way for over 10 years. I'll miss a lot of things, and I hope that he finds happiness like I have. I will worry about him and we'll still talk, though I'm not sure how much I'll see him when I come back to visit, even though he will still live next door to my mother.  I didn't expect this much difficulty in saying goodbye to him. Though with that, I am also saying goodbye to a part of my life, and a part of myself and something I've been for the past seven years. It ended a long time ago, but the feelings did evolve into close friendship.

My Papa-L. I've referred to him as my step-father before, he is my Mom's boyfriend. He's been in my life for 14 years. In that time, he's always been there for me like a father. We've had our issues (a lot of them, if I'm honest), but again, he's more a father to me than my father is. He's been a lot of things to me over the years, but what's meant the most is that he takes care of my Mom and loves her so much. He considers my brother and me his kids.

My dog. She's the sweetest girl in the world. And my bearded dragons, my scaly girls. They've become a part of my heart and I'm going to miss them all. My pup will be here to take care of my dear friend. She loves her father more than anyone in the world, and he loves her too. I'm going to miss seeing them together. It's quite adorable. And my lizard girls are sleeping until sometime in early Spring, so I've not really said goodbye to them. I'll get to see all three when I come back to visit.

I've spent the better part of the last hour sobbing uncontrollably. It's not because I'm sorry that I'm going, but because I will miss so much here. I think I'll be spending a lot of tomorrow morning doing much the same thing. My friend is leaving for work early, and he'll wake me up before he goes. I'll see Mom and L before I go. And then I may be stopping at my overlook on the way out, depending on how I'm doing.

I will be sad for what I'm leaving behind, and I will grieve. But I'm also very much looking forward to what I'm going toward. My Love is waiting there for me, ready for us to start our life together. I couldn't be happier about that. It's just a matter of getting used to the new life and remembering that all of my family is just a phone call away, and I'll visit them as much as I can.

I think I'll be okay once I reach the middle of my journey. At that point, I will be able to focus on what I'm going toward, instead of what I'm leaving behind.

I've just been extremely emotional these past few days, combined with the fact that goodbyes are very hard for me. Just a lot of goodbyes in a relatively short amount of time.

But one great big hello awaits me. Without the painful goodbyes, there can't be that hello. So I'll be alright. Just bracing myself for what I know will come first.

This entry is not particularly insightful, pretty, or fancy. I just needed to focus myself a bit. But I have something I need to do before I sleep for 3 hours.

The Chosen Light

Being in the midst of the hard part as I've been for the past few days, it's been too easy to lose sight of what awaits me on the other side. Luckily, it's only lost momentary. The city has, somehow, found its way into who I am. Walking around downtown, I feel safe and welcome. I feel I've found a place where I can thrive and grow as a person, as a woman. I've also got good friends there that aren't going to cause drama or expect everything from me, but give little in return. Within walking distance, there are museums, parks, rivers, beautiful views, and so much more than I could ever ask for. There is also the university close by. This school is basically my college dream. It's where I hope to be accepted to in a few years (though I'll likely start at a two year school for an associates degree).

But there is one, above all other reasons: my J, my Beloved. For all the splendor and finery of the city, he is what draws me back the most. While the place is a wonderful one and feels like home, it is in his arms that I am most comfortable. A shack in the woods, a boat drifting along the northern seas, a small town in the middle of nowhere, here in NJ could all be home, were they where he'd settled. There is truth in the old saying: "home is where the heart is". My heart is with him, wherever he happens to be. I'm very fortunate in that he happens to be in a wonderful place at the moment.

Any pain, suffering, and strife I have dealt with in my life is all worth it because it ultimately brought me to him. Certainly, if I could have found him before all of the pain happened, I would have been more than happy with that. Though perhaps we would have been different people. I still believe that no matter what point in our lives we would have met, we still would have loved each other. Though there is no real need to dwell upon that line of thinking, because he and I have found each other now, at this point in our lives. Soon, there will be no saying goodbye, there will be no more home away from him. Soon, we will be together completely.

But he has not stolen me away from here. What he has stolen is the darkness within my soul. He has chased away the sorrow in my heart. I'm following the light that he brings into my life. I've chosen his light over all else. But to be able to have such a treasure in my life, I need to complete the quest.

If this was to be an easy road, it wouldn't be a quest. What keeps me going on this first initial quest is what awaits me at the end. It is not an easy, stress-free perfect existence that awaits me. There will still be normal worries, pressures, and hassles. But that's life, isn't it? Normalcy. Experiencing happiness. I've never really dreamed of fancy houses, fancy cars, fame, and the other things that people fantasize about. For me, it was always a longing to feel what true and utter happiness is.

Happiness is worth all that came before it, and I will do whatever I can to keep it. I've learned many valuable lessons in my existence thus far. I was mostly to blame for the absence of happiness. Be it choices I made, things I did, things I didn't do, attitudes I held onto, misconceptions I wouldn't let go, or things I kept quiet about, I was largely responsible for my misery. Those things, I can control. I can't control what other people do, but I can control what I allow them to do to me.

So beyond all of the crap that I've been writing about lately, lies my ultimate dream come true: happiness. My prince on the white steed, who has given me something more valuable than all the gems in the world: love and support.

Happiness. Love. Feeling loved. Unconditional support. Freedom to be who I am. Confidence. The light that I choose to follow.

(If this is a bit disjointed, I apologize. I began it last night at 2am, and finished it this morning. I don't normally do that)

The Road Unavoidable

I've not really even begun to deal with the bulk of things yet, but already I had to walk that road, the road unavoidable. Just looking through a drawer, I stumbled across mementos of three major losses. At first, I was alright. At first. But then I found the memorial card from Nana's service. Seeing her name printed in black and white. The date of her birth. The date of her death. Both of which are forever committed to my memory, because the second is one of the worst days of my life. Reading the poem and seeing the picture that I helped pick out, because I knew she would like them. Because I knew her so well. My eyes began to sting as I remembered the gold heart pendant she gave me when I graduated from eight grade. My cheek wet when I thought about how she grabbed my hand and kissed it when I showed her my engagement ring. The last time I saw her. A punch to my throat when I remembered how it is over, and that she wouldn't meet the man I love now. My face hot as I thought about how I failed, and the people I've hurt. My legs curled to my chest, as the torrent comes. The D-word. I will be one of those statistics. My chin upon my knees, I think of the first I hurt, the second I failed, the friend I lost, the woman who died. My entire body shakes, my legs catching the grief falling from my chin. Every loss, every failure rushes back to me in one painful blow. My head thrown back, my mouth open in a silent scream, I wish it would all stop. I wish I could stop. I want the tears to end, the sobs to retreat, the process to be over.

All from one small drawer, half full of things long forgotten.

So many other drawers. Small boxes everywhere. Trinkets hidden in a corner. All waiting for me. All with their own little reminders, their stories, their psychometric images to share with me. To make sure I don't forget. To chip away at me and hurt me. To (hopefully) comfort me. To remind me how fortunate I've been.

To remind me how fortunate I am now. 

I cannot avoid this road, short of hurling a Molotov cocktail through the window of this apartment. I cannot erase the past, nor can I forget it. I remind myself it is what made me who I am today. All of it, made me the woman I am right this very moment. I've got to walk this road. The one paved with glass, broken in places. I've no shoes to wear, nothing to protect me from the lacerations. And I'm not supposed to. It's nearing the end of the road. The mile of old memories sits ahead. Memories of good times. Memories of bad times. Memories of what is now gone.   All with their own special pain. I don't want to drag myself along this part of the road, especially not this part! But if I don't, I won't get to the end. 

The Last of October

It's been a quiet ending to this month so far. My dear friend and I made our Halloween tradition visit today, and I said good bye to another place. It's not getting any easier, honestly. The closer I come to actually leaving, the harder everything becomes. This state is difficult and rife with issues, but it's also the land of my birth. It's where all of my greatest childhood memories (and many of the adult ones as well) were created. This is where much of my family is. This is where the places that I've gone for comfort, to cry, and to be happy are. I can visit them when I come here to visit. It's scary to think I won't be able to just jump in the car and go to the overlook at 1am because I need a moment to think, or lace up my sneakers and walk to the cemetery that feels like my own private park. It's also scary to think I won't be able to run to my Mom whenever I need her, or to even see my best friend. Our life together has ended, but we've been able to forge a new relationship. It's not easy seeing him hurting so much, but he is still one of my best friends, and he always will be a part of my family. It may seem like an odd thing to remain close to one's ex, but I've never been one for much normalcy anyway.

Of course, I will be able to put on my sneakers and walk to the bridge. Looking out over the river, I'll be able to remember one of the happiest moments in my life. I'll also be starting my life with my love, and bettering myself.

I've got less than 5 days left here before I go "home". I've got my closet basically cleared, but still the dresser and some packed winter clothes to go through. Then I've got to go through the kitchen and pack the things I need to bring with me initially, as well as a few mementos and decorative things. I wish I could have everything ready to go for when I leave, but I doubt I will. I also need to take the car for an oil change to help its chances of making it there, as well as clean it out. And there are still a few places I need to visit, foods I need to eat, and people I need to hug before I go. Then, it's time to hold my breath and pray the car makes it so that I can jump back into the arms of my Love. Then, it'll be time to prepare for a trip with his family to visit more family. Nothing like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire right away. I'm looking forward to it, though.

Beginnings

Not all that awaits me is an ending. There are a fair few beginnings as well. The one I am most looking forward to is the beginning of my relationship. I have had the honor of being girlfriend to the man of my dreams for almost four months (and friends with him for well over a year prior to that). I know I go on about him a lot, but it's because he makes me so happy. We've been in a long distance relationship this whole time. We have managed to see each other quite a bit, but between those wonderful times, there have been gaps of 3-4 weeks. Next week, the long distance part goes away and we will be in a regular, "Good morning, Honey. How did you sleep?", "What do you want for dinner?" relationship. A walks in the evening, date nights to Mount Washington, Saturday errands, lazy Sunday mornings watching movies and eating pancakes kind of relationship. A nice, normal relationship where I can lie on the couch and read a book while he kills zombies on his Xbox. A regular life where we can cook each other dinner, then burn off the calories in creative and fun ways. There will be concerts, trips out of state to see friends and family, evenings downtown, and other excitement, which I can't wait for. But what I most look forward to in our relationship is falling asleep with him, waking up with him, and living life with him.

He has inspired me to do things I used to love doing. These are things I should have been doing in the first place, but for various reasons I wasn't. It's not that I'm doing these things to impress him or because I feel I need to be more creative to be with him. I've done a lot of drawing, photography, painting, and writing throughout my life and I'd gotten away from it for so many reasons in the past 10 or so years. I've missed all of it so much that doing it again is really making a huge difference in my life.

With this blog, I've attempted to write more than just a day to day stream of feelings and happenings. Some of the entries were inspired by odd things and I tried to make them sort of writing exercises rather than strictly journal entries. There are two, maybe three that I'm actually somewhat happy with. The idea of writing each day has gotten me excited to the point where I've made time to sit down and work on it. I've got a long way to go before I'll be able to write the stories that have lived in my head for so many years, but I'm content with practicing and learning for the time being.

In my little cheap sketch book, there are now two drawings. One is the one I had mentioned several weeks ago, which is shown here. I'm not particularly happy with the right side cliff, and the white are left of center is supposed to be water, but I've been too afraid to attempt to actually draw it. It's likely as done as it's going to be for a while.

The other is a more feminine tree. It's got no background or setting at all, really. It's just a figure. I think if I ever get back into painting, I may attempt to paint her. Or if I ever actually get up enough nerve to attempt to learn Photoshop again, I may try to fix that one. Each of these drawings began as discarded sketches that I went back to several weeks after the fact.

I'm still scared, but I'm also ready. Ready for whatever comes. Ready to stand up and start walking the path.

Endings

As I sat on the bus, rolling past the gorgeous farms and hills of Pennsylvania, I thought a lot. When one is on a bus for 8.5 hours alone and prone to motion sickness when attempting to read in a moving vehicle, there's not much of a choice. I thought a lot about a turbulent part of my life which, as of this afternoon, is finally over. But I also thought a lot about other things that aren't over, and likely won't be for a long time (if ever).

Some endings are like Autumn. The leaves are no longer green and living, but they are still beautiful to look back at for just a bit longer. You can still see a semblance of their former glory in their shape and suppleness, but they are dead. Their beauty in death is unrivaled by what they truly looked like in life, but it is a fleeting beauty. A fairly strong breeze can easily tear them from their branch and hurl them to the ground, where they will dry out and turn to dust. They're certainly not forgotten, however. A stroll outside on a late Autumn day. The wind picks them up and swirls them around you like a fiery dance. The air heavy with their scent. One pressed between waxed paper as a memento.

Other endings are raging fires. It begins small, a smoldering ember upon a dried, decaying log. As it is fed, a small flame grows from the glowing coals. The flame crawls along the dead ground to a tree. As it climbs ever higher along the trunk, it gets hotter, and more insistent. The flames reach higher into the sky as they burn the topmost branches. The wind carries the sparks along the forest, igniting ever more as they go. Several smaller fires rush toward each other, an urgent collision course. When finally they meet, they explode upward and outward, a huge dancing mass of pain and destruction. Their union spawns a massive plume of flames high into the air. The pain is excruciating, but necessary. The hope is that it will be put out (or will burn itself out) very quickly. In reality, it can burn for years, unrelenting in its destruction. Your memento of the inferno is the blackened, scarred, and smoking aftermath.

And then there are the endings that don't truly end, but evolve into something different. These can be touchy, painful, but ultimately hold the most hope for personal growth. One is forced to confront the reasons behind the end and truly work through them as part of the evolution. One must also look at what they've done, not just what was done to them. There may never be perfect resolution, but there will always be exploration and discoveries along the way.

Not all situations can be resolved. I dare say an overwhelming majority simply cannot. Some situations cause too much pain, too much rage, to be safe for evolution and must be eradicated. Others are experiences that weren't bad overall, and a bit of wistful looking back is fine. And many are not as clear cut as one or the other, but a mix. One thing is for certain, life happens in cycles. If you've not experienced endings (and the pain, anger, joy, relief, and growth that come along with them), you are not truly human.

I am essentially rootless at this very moment. I don't feel like I'm "from" anywhere just yet. Everything I own is here with me, but every fiber of my being is there waiting for me. There feels like home, but realistically, is it yet? Things need to be packed, sorted, thrown out, given away. Emotions need to be shelved, acknowledged, worked through. No more waiting until the last second in a bid to keep from having to think about, and deal with, the situations at hand. I wish there was a way to do this without causing any pain, but there isn't. Anything worth having is also worth a little pain.I accept mine with no reservations, but I don't enjoy the ripple effect to others. I know what is waiting for me next week and I cannot wait to get back to it, to him. But hanging here right now over this abyss, it looks so far away. Sitting here in this mire, unable to so much as make a list of what needs to be done, I feel the weight of it all on my shoulders. I just can't let this get to me. It's all part of the quest, part of what will strengthen me, what makes me appreciate the light at the end of it. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, but it continues with 50,000 or so more. I will reach the goal, but feeling like I've only just begun the journey is still daunting.

Back to the Quest

For a couple of years, I've been trying to get my life on some sort of path. I've been looking for some sort of goal to work for, an anchor to stop the aimless drift, a tether to guide me back, an inspiration to keep me going.

9 July 2010, a rainy and foggy evening. I drove from a hotel in Harmar, PA toward Pittsburgh. The sky had opened up and I could see very little along the road. It wasn't an optimal condition for driving somewhere I had never been. I still remember my first glimpse of the city. I'd seen the river, some of the bridges, and the hills. I felt a stirring in my chest, and an ease in my mind (despite the weather). But the moment I first saw the skyline, the PPG building, the USX building, it was as if a thread reaching from my breast had made a connection with a thread reaching from the City of Bridges. A tether now ties me to this city. I knew I had found my home. I almost felt this place had welcomed me.

10 July 2010, the sun bright against the sky. I woke up at the hotel, nervous and full of anticipation. That day, I was to meet a man I'd corresponded with for quite a while. We had been emailing, and were friends. I didn't necessarily expect anything to come of it beyond friendship though, in truth, I had thought about it a lot and wondered what it would be like to be with him. We were so much alike and he was such a wonderful person. I was extremely nervous and almost afraid that I may fall for him but he would still see me as a friend. My mom and stepfather came with me, and his friends were with him. As I walked through the parking lot of the zoo toward the entrance where we were to meet, my hands shook a bit and I had no real idea of the significance the next moment was to play in the rest of my life. I began walking up the steps, scanning the crowd for him. The moment I saw him, I felt another thread tear from my chest. I stopped where I was and watched as he talked to his friend. Fear and excitement gripped me. In that moment, I knew that everything I thought I felt for him was real. He started to turn toward where I was standing (and my family had caught up with me at that point) so I began walking again. At the top of those stairs, he hugged me and I kissed his cheek. That was the moment that I knew he was the man I could possibly love for the rest of my life. Through the day, his friends made comments that led me to believe perhaps he felt at least something for me beyond friendship, but I had no idea if that was just my own wishful thinking. For the next 6 hours, I wanted so bad just to hold his hand. Then that blissful and perfect moment on the bridge came, when he told me how he felt. Feelings far beyond happiness flooded me, and that thread that had ripped from me earlier found its connection to him.

The quest was formulated on a rainy night and solidified with a sunset walk over a bridge, and for the past three months and few weeks, I've been working toward the goal of living in this city, inspired and supported by my Love. I've lost things, given things up, and suffered a few minor traumas along the way. I've also gained much, been given glimpses of a wonderful future, and found joys I've not known in far too long. As I stand upon the precipice of the most difficult part of this journey, I know the biggest sacrifices, the hardest goodbyes, and the most work are ahead of me. But lying just beyond that terrifying abyss that I will jump into tomorrow is home in my city, home in my Love's arms. Of course, other challenges await me then as well: Living so far from where I grew up, adjusting to urban living from the old way of the semi-rural suburbs, being away from my family, my friend, and my animals, and finding a job. The quest to get to Pittsburgh will have come to an end, but several new ones will open up. All are part of one greater quest: the quest to make my life what I want it to be. Finding a job, preparing to go to school (then actually doing it), forming a Kindred with the man I love and two people I've come to like and respect very much, studying magic and the runes, learning what I want to learn, and enjoying a wonderful relationship with the most amazing man I've ever known while working with him toward our future. So much else will come up as time goes on, but these will be my immediate focuses.

On one hand, I'm not looking forward to the bus ride to New Jersey. On the other hand, I am looking forward to seeing my family. I am also looking forward to getting over the difficult bumps in the road. It's going to be a hard week to be sure. I'll be saying goodbye to a lot. But I'll also be coming back here to my Love, my city, and my future.

Conflict: May it End Now

The weekend went really well. His friends that I was meeting for the first time were great. Our friends who will be forming the Kindred with us are also great people. The six of us had a great time on Friday night and stayed up until after 3am. Our Kindred folk stayed until early Saturday afternoon, then were back on the road again. The rest of us went to a small zombie event at the Monroeville Mall, which is where Dawn of the Dead was filmed. We had dinner at the pub which was, as usual, delicious. I even got to have my pumpkin ale, which was the best I've ever had. It was a long weekend, but a good one. Once everyone was gone, we relaxed and had a great evening.

I'm going back later this week for a little while. While I'm there, I'm going to get my things packed and my car checked to make sure it will make it back here. If not, I'm going to have to get creative with packing and shipping stuff, then take the train or bus again. I'm just ready for it all to be done. This limbo is getting old. It's almost over, but I'm getting impatient.

I'm hoping the drama is over now. I seem to have lost a friend I considered to be one of my best, as well as several acquaintances. It seems like people would rather listen to the dramatic routine than make up their own minds, or even ask me what is going on. It's hard, but honestly a small price to pay for peace. The center of this is something no longer worth my time, thought, or concern. I'm sure I'll be the notorious villain for years to come, much like all of the other former friends. It doesn't really matter, because after this, I'm done worrying about it, other than to remember the lesson learned. I've got friends I can trust, friends that won't force me to relive traumatic events for their own entertainment, and friends who genuinely appreciate me and who I am (instead of who they want me to be).

I'm tired of disbelieving people who compliment me, like having me around, or tell me I'm a good person. I like the idea of people wanting me around, not for what I can do for them, but because we have a good time together. I want to enjoy peoples' company without worrying what's going to be said later. And I wan to have conversations with people who value what I say and don't behave like they're smarter than everyone else. There are people who are happy to be followers, but I'd prefer to spend my time with people secure enough to teach AND learn. So, I'm good now.

That is the last time I let that subject creep in and touch my future. I'm looking ahead. In about two weeks, I'll be living here. Hopefully, I'll have a job not long after that so I won't have to worry about money and the holidays. I'm ready for the challenge.

It's taken me a while to get even this much written. I'm feeling kind of tired and weird, and I'd rather be processing the thoughts in my head right now.

Unexpected Guests, Unexpected Thoughts

We knew this weekend was going to be busy. Two of his friends were coming today, and two others were coming tomorrow. It turns out all four will be here today. We've been joking that he's going to be Clark Griswold for the weekend. It may be hectic, but it's going to be fun. These are some of his best friends, under one roof. With mead! I'm a bit nervous, but I'm looking forward to it.

It does make me think about how few people are in my life. I've met two of our visitors already, as well as his family. There are still several friends to meet, as well as lots of family. In November, I'll be meeting a large chunk of his family. The thing is, he's already met just about everyone important in my life. He met my mother and my step-father, my cousin, and two of my friends. I'd like him to meet the tribe, but that's not as important. My brother and nieces are the only ones left who are important that he meet someday. I'll not be having many people come to visit me here, nor will I have many people to visit back there. On one hand, it feels kind of lonely. I do miss the big family holidays and parties with friends. But, on the other hand, I do have some quality people in my life, and I do love spending the evenings watching movies, just him and me. This, combined with the time of year, makes me keenly aware of those I've lost. It also makes me fear losing anyone else.

But I have had some unexpected visitors of my own the past few nights, in that some of my old dream "friends" have returned to a certain extent. I had a dream that has been recurring since I can remember, though it's been a great many years since they've visited. My guardians and the ring of fire seem to come along when I'm on the verge of something major. They've never been bad omens, or even good omens, just there. The other one, I've not seen in at least twenty years, but he didn't come in his usual way. I suspect the reason for that is because I've been sleeping next to my love, which I think is a sort of protection. I've never known his purpose or what he wants, other than to scare me. Honestly, I don't know if he was ever trying to menace me, or if it just happened that way (his way tends to be a bit terrifying for a young girl, or an old one for that matter). He may be a bit like the ghost of Christmas yet to come, or he may be something with ill intentions. Regardless, I'm unsure what he wants and I'm a bit bothered by that. Combined with the fact that he did frighten me and must've known it (and may well again if he starts coming the way he used to), and some other weird dreams I've had lately, I'm somewhat ill at ease.

I've got about 4-5 more days here before it's time to go back. I'll only be gone about ten days this time, but I'm not especially looking forward to it. I do, however, want to give my love some time to himself before I'm back indefinitely. But what I need to do is take this all out of my mind for the evening, because I'm spending it with my love and some (hopefully) new friends. We're going to a great place to eat and drink, and who knows what kind of fun we'll come up with for the rest of the evening. It'll be a great time.

Cleaning Up

I've be doing a lot of cleaning this week in every sense of the word. Mostly, I've been doing the traditional dusting, scrubbing, laundry, and straightening up. We've got company coming this weekend and I want everything to look okay (especially since I'm meeting someone who is a very big deal in my love's life and I want to make a good impression).

I've been doing a bit of emotional (and social) cleaning up as well. I don't want to taint this new life with the old sludge, but I feel like I'm running away from things, which feels like utter weakness to me. I also wonder if I even have the right to feel this way. Surely, it must've been something I did. All others are innocent. But then I remember how I felt, and still feel whenever my dealings include them: anxiety, self-doubt, guilt, pain, the list goes on. I've nothing left to make amends for, and I'll never get it from them. So, instead of torturing myself further, I have to cut ties. To be honest, it also felt good to hit that little "remove from friends" button. Childish? Perhaps. But it calmed the rage I was feeling just a bit, and it was more grown-up than starting the social networking public flame war that was my first stifled instinct.

Stifled... that word has come up twice today in relation to me. After a while, no one ever had to put me in a corner, because I always voluntarily hid there. I'm sick of being in the bloody corner! My love and I have one problem, and that is indecision. It's minor in relation to other things that could be wrong, but it's still an issue. I'm walking over to that corner, while he is tearing at my sleeve trying to pull me out and into the middle of the room so we can do the big damn lift in front of everyone, to the tune of "(I've Had) The Time Of My Life"! It's not about where we eat, what we watch, or anything like that. It's about the fact that I've become so afraid to assert myself, make a decision, or ask for what I'd like, that my mind basically shuts down when faced with making any sort of decision. So there I sit, vague little flashes of what I want flitting through my brain. When I reach up to grab one, they all scatter like butterflies, and I'm left with nothing. When I'm by myself, this turns into two hours of trying to think, until I fall back on an old standard. When I'm with most other people, they're more than happy to do whatever they want. He and I are a partnership. If his arm slips during that big lift, I'll faceplant on the ground. If my weight shifts wrong, his back goes out and down he goes. The jazzy metaphors aside, this life is all new to me. I'm used to having to take the lead on the important things, while the minor decisions are not mine to make. I've aways wanted nothing more than someone who would work with me on all facets of life. I've got a man like that in my life now, and yet I can't seem to get it right.

I'm still haunted by so many things, to the point that I spent a good part of today angry, hurt, and sad. I've got to exorcise the ghosts of the past and stop letting them get back in. I've got to sweep the cobwebs away and allow myself to be the woman I want to, and need to be. I need to finish doing what I need to do, then walk and clear my head a bit.

The Faith Journey

In my 33 years, the question of faith has always been there to varying degrees. I was baptized Catholic due to the insistence of an overly paranoid grandparent. My parents were young, and it didn't particularly matter to them either way. I did not grow up in the Catholic faith, though. My mother never forced me into Sunday school, I didn't have a communion, and the only times I went to church were for weddings and funerals (and that one Christmas Eve Midnight Mass when my grandfather smacked me upside my head for not kneeling and doing the sign of the cross when entering the pew, the thought of which makes me giggle to this day). I knew what the holidays we celebrated symbolized in the generic Christian culture we lived by, but we celebrated more the secular parts of them: family, generosity, joy, and fun.

But regardless of this, I always had faith. My Mom taught me that "God" was in everything; the trees, the oceans, the wind, the world's creatures. I sat outside and listened to the melting snow dripping into a stream, or the whistle of a bird, and that was the divine speaking through nature's music. I walked through the woods and saw the flame of Autumn licking the treetops, or the tulips pushing through the cold ground to bloom, that was the deities manifesting themselves. The scent of fallen leaves or fresh cut grass, the perfume of the Heavens. The wind gently tugging at my hair, the rain cooling my upturned face was the Gods themselves touching me. I knew the feel of the Day-Gods, and the different feel of the Night-Gods. Looking skyward as the sun retired her daily hold on the earth, I knew the spectacular colors were the herald of something just as important. When the night came, so did the stars. The mysteries shrouded in the darkness were not to be feared, but to be embraced. Some were meant to be solved, while most were not ours to know. I spent many nights watching the stars, the way they twinkled, seeing their different colors, and if I was lucky, seeing some of them streak across the sky in a shower of sparks. In my early 20's, I saw an aurora. Where I live is usually way too far south to see such a thing, but this was during a peak in the sun cycle, so I was fortunate. As I saw the building shimmer of red on the horizon, I squealed like a child and dragged several people outside so I could share this rare treasure with them. It continues to be one of the most beautiful things I've seen.

At a young age, I didn't have a name for them, or an idea of what it all meant, but I knew there was far more to it than simply what could be seen. The universe and the earth were sweet mysteries I was content to work a lifetime at understanding. As I aged, I learned more about the world and various faiths, but nothing I was learning about felt right. I still was able to sit outside on a snow-covered winter afternoon and know the Gods were there in the ethereal silence, the glittering blindness, the clean smell, and the wet chill. It didn't matter to me that I didn't know their names, they were there. I didn't know how to properly thank them for everything, so I just spoke it. "Thank you for this beautiful day", I'd say, mist pouring from my mouth with every word.

Getting older, I thirsted for more and more knowledge. To some extent, this began to taint the simple faith I held my entire life. Who whispered those nearly imperceptible words to me? Is it appropriate to speak to trees in the woods? Rather than just reveling in it all, I questioned why? whom? how? I stumbled upon witchcraft and Paganism for the first time in high school. It felt like the right neighborhood, but the wrong house. Because of the strong nature aspects, I decided to study it a bit and see how it felt. Some things made a lot of sense, but others still didn't fit. It's close enough, I would reason to myself. I became a very casual solitary practitioner for a long time.

As is typical of lost innocence, I began to feel self-conscious and questioned myself, so I began looking for others. Eventually, I found a local group of Pagans. This began a good, and horrible period of my life. I learned a lot about myself, faith in general, the Pagan faith, and people. I had a lot of life-changing experiences and my trust in my own abilities grew. I also became more open to things and energy around me. I was instrumental in creating a Coven, and was in a position to help a lot of people. The downside is that I learned some hard lessons about betrayal, selfishness, and the darkness that can dwell within mankind. My life was thrown into spinning chaos due to the actions of some people, along with my own ignorance and lack of confidence. While I try my hardest to remember the good parts of that time in my life, I can't help but look back more often than not with bitterness.

There are two life-changing upsides to that period of my life. First, I was exposed for the first time to Heathenry (or Germanic Paganism). And with that, I found the right house! It took me a while to embrace it fully, but once I did, I found all of the missing pieces I had been looking for. It's not been an easy road and honesty, I almost walked away a few times, but I've managed to sort out the important parts from the mire. The second is what I am doing now. Without many of the betrayals and the aftermath of chaos, I would have gone on as I was, ignorant of the best (and worst) of what the world had to offer. I wouldn't have found my love, this city, or myself.

I almost lost faith in the past few years. It felt tainted and dirty because of things that had happened, people and groups I'd met, and being a part of things I didn't believe in. When the worst of the betrayals happened, I wondered how the Gods could allow such things to go on in the world. I had allowed my faith to get too entwined with people and groups and evens and... trappings. I couldn't think about faith without thinking about the bad things that had happened.

One day, I'd had enough. It was even before I knew the worst of things, but I started to realise that things were over in many ways. It was a cold January day. I had a fight with my now-ex. Looking at him brought me such unbearable pain, that I had to flee. I ran outside and began walking. There was snow on the ground already, and more was falling. For the first time, I walked the path that has now become familiar to me. I walked to the bridge and stopped to admire the small river flowing below my feet. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the snow hitting the ground and the river flowing over the rocks. Nature's music had returned to me again! I saw divinity in the silvery snow atop the stones, and the dormant trees! I breathed in scent of the water, the earth and distant wood-smoke, the perfume of the Heavens! And as the cool wind whipped stinging snowflakes against my cheeks, I felt the touch of the Gods yet again! My faith had been reset back to the simplicity of the old days and it helped me to rebuild  in in my own way. I was older and wiser, but in that moment, I remembered the important things.

Now, I know better. I try to live my faith every day. I am more picky about whom I let into that part of my life. I felt from the beginning that my love was someone I could likely share and live my faith with. In the past few days, we have finally been able practice together for the first time. On Sunday night when we celebrated Winternights, I watched him prepare the blòt and I felt much as I do when watching a particularly wonderful sunset. I felt it all building and knew that this was a harbinger of a wonderful thing to come. When he presided over the feast, I witnessed so many wonders. In his words, I heard the winds from the North. In his eyes, I saw the gathering storm of energy. In his hands, I felt the touch of divinity. In that moment, I realised that I had found someone to truly share my faith with. With him, it is no longer just MINE, but OURS! I saw a flash of our future, but I also felt my own heart and and faith burning stronger than it has since I was just a child hearing the Gods speak to me for the first time. I don't have to ensconce it within my breast to keep it safe from him, I can lay it bare before him! Before that night, I loved him more than I ever thought possible. Now, there is an even further depth to my love for him. That first blòt was like the first time I saw him, the first time I kissed him, the first time we made love. It changed my life in ways I never could have imagined before.

My faith was firm before. Now it is enhanced in that I have someone to truly share it with, no strings, no drama, and no fakeness.

Settling Into Happiness

I've been here for a bit more than a week now. I've still got about a week more to go before I need to go back again. This time, though I won't be gone long before I am here again. There is still the fear that it will take a long time to find a job, the knowledge that I'll miss my family and the places I love back there, and the adjustment to a new place.

But since I've been here, I fall asleep in my love's arms. I find myself waking up at night and just to watch him sleep. Even watching a movie together is like a totally new experience. Yesterday was a wonderfully lazy Sunday. We spent most of it in our pajamas watching television, including Christmas Vacation! We also cooked for Wintenights, which I will discuss tomorrow. After all of that, he played a game, while I spent the evening making Hallowe'en decorations with construction paper and a glue stick. We were doing different things, but we were in the same room together. I looked over at him several times and was filled with joy, just because he was there. Few things compare to the joy of touching him, but having him near me is pretty far up the list, too.

When we were apart, I looked at this picture several times a day. I could remember how it felt to kiss him, and I longed for it so much. Being here with him, having him share himself with me, and being able to share so much with him has been complete happiness. Being home in our city together is exactly where I am happiest, and where I want to be more than anywhere else. When I wake up and have a nightmare, he is there to chase them away. When he is working on something and asks my opinion, it feels like he is sharing his passions with me.

My love, he is an artist. This past week, he created a new piece. He shared each step with me, allowed me to watch him work, and I had the honor of being the first person to see the completed piece. I've always thought he was a wonderfully talented artist, and watching someone create like he does was an amazing experience. On the other side of that, watching the man I love doing something that he loves is something I hope I am fortunate to see again many times over in the future. I am a huge fan of his art (which can be found here) and loved seeing what goes into a piece.

Beyond my love, just being in the city has been a wonderful thing. I was riding the bus myself last week. Every time it stopped at the college, I got more excited about attending. I saw the students walking around, I wanted to be one of them. I hope that, by this time next year, I will be. Beginning my studies after so many years is something that will make others proud, but it is probably the one thing I want most for myself in the whole world. Luckily, I have time regarding a major (as well as the option of starting undeclared). Something pertaining to books and literature sounds very attractive now as an associate's degree. And the idea of religious studies, even if as a minor, is attractive as well.

It's likely that the first wave of my stuff, the important things, will be here by the first week of November. I can't wait to be a resident of this new place, and this new life, officially. I'm confident about my future, I'm happy with my present, and I'll work through any adversity that may come up. I've learned a woman's strength, and I've seen it in action. I'm ready to test my strength, and to live it. I'm ready to live my life and enjoy the present. I' ready to continue working toward the future.

I'm learning what it's like to be happy, and I'm settling into it quite nicely. If I'm honest, the entire concept still scares the life out of me sometimes and I find myself wondering how it is I deserve this life, the love of such a wonderful man, the promise of such a great future, all of it. I allow myself some of these doubts now and again, because I know that working through these things will only make me stronger and better able to deal with what happens. It's been a hard road, but it made me into what I am now. The road will never end, and each scar, divot, and pothole serves a purpose. I just need remember not to fall into them and, if I do, to stand back up and keep walking.

Monster

I get inspired now and again by odd little things. This time, it was a remark my mother made during a conversation we were having. She mentioned the Bee Girl from the Blind Mellon video for No Rain. The idea behind the comment is that it we are like the girl, and wouldn't it be nice to find a place where there were others like ourselves. It got me thinking about some other songs that, through my life, have meant something to me (good and bad).

November Spawned a Monster by Morrissey. This is one of the not so good ones. I happen to have been born in November. When this song was popular, I heard this song must have been written about me. Not from my peers, mind you, from my father. He fancies himself a funny man, and this little "joke" amused him to no end. Considering some of the things he'd said to me through my childhood (in the spirit of amusing himself), I never did quite see it as funny as he did. He does enjoy jokes at other peoples' expense. Gods forbid someone make a joke about him, though. I do like the song quite a lot, but I still can't quite bring myself to listen to it much these days.

My Way by Frank Sinatra. My grandfather sang and played bass in several bands throughout his life. I always remember him singing and this song in particular became sort of his signature song. In my opinion, he sang it better than Frank. He always said he would sing this at my wedding. Unfortunately, he passed away in 2000. I do have a video of him singing this song, though. His name was Sharkey. He wasn't the best father, and he always seemed distant, but there were a lot of special little moments we shared throughout his life. One Christmas, he bought my grandmother diamond earrings (which is what she wanted), and a diamond necklace (just because she deserved it for putting up with him all those years, he told me). I was the only one who knew he had gotten them for her. For the week leading up to Christmas, he told her he wasn't able to get to the store, but he would make it up to her after Christmas. he put two slips of paper that read 'IOU one gift' on the tree. She grumbled every time she walked past the tree and those IOUs because she figured if he had time to watch television, surely he had time to at least make her a card or something! On Christmas Eve, she had been grousing about it again. He winked at me and we both shared a smile. On Christmas morning, he got up early and placed the two wrapped packages on the tree where the IOUs had been the entire week. When she woke up, she looked at the tree ready to scowl at them again when she saw two small, beautifully wrapped packages. That entire day, she was telling the story to everyone about how he and I had gotten her good and how happy she was. My Way reminds me of Papa, those moments we shared, and the big family Christmases we used to have.

I Believe In Father Christmas by Greg Lake. This song will always make me think of my Mom. I always look forward to seeing her sing this song around the holidays. As I got older, I really started listening to the lyrics and understanding the meaning of the song. The last lines of the song sum it up, and I've taken it to heart: "Be it heaven or hell, the Christmas you, get you deserve". I'm not a Christian by faith, but I grew up culturally Christian. I've always loved the season for many reasons. It's about the peace on earth and good will toward man. Getting caught up in the retail frenzy and commercialism ruins it. Worrying about what kind of "loots" you're going to receive, or whether its going to snow or not is pointless. Mom and I believe in Father Christmas and that's what matters most.

Off the top of my head, that's all I've got for now.

Very Ready

I'm ready to go tomorrow, other than the fact that I have to get some sleep, and plug my phone in because it's about to die. I've got the alarm set for 6:45, because I know I'll hit the snooze button at least a few times, and I do not want to be late for this.

I've gone away for much longer than this before, but never with the intent on relocating. That is starting to hit me more than anything right now. This is a good move for me, and there is so much for me there, and I want this very much. But I also can't help but think of what I'm leaving here. My family, my dog, my lizards, and my home for the entirety of my life thus far. I have every intention on coming back to visit as often as possible, but it's odd, scary, and more than a little bittersweet. Naively, I didn't expect to feel this way. There isn't much here that I will miss, but what I will miss will be very much so. Some places, some people, some foods, and strangely enough, the feel of this place. I know I'll be back again before the final move, but not for long. That idea thrills me and frightens me at the same time.

I've got anxiety, excitement, hope, a bit of sadness, a lot of happiness, self-doubt, confidence, and so many other things going on in my head right now that it's making me quite tense. I really should be getting to sleep. I'll have around 9 hours to nap on the train, but chances are I will not sleep much in reality. I've got so much to do in this life, and I hope everyone finds the same happiness that I've found.

Through all of this stress, anxiety, and tension, I've still managed to be happier than I have ever been before. The realities are setting in, but so is the knowledge that I know where I want to wake up for the rest of my days, and that I know who I want to see each of those mornings and days by my side. And for now, I will sleep. The morning will come faster once I've gone to bed.

This Time Tomorrow...

I'll be sitting on a train, on the way home. I'm very much looking forward to so many things, like seeing my friends again, taking in the city again, and that moment I see him again for the first time. If I'm honest, I'm looking forward to every moment I see him, and kiss him, and hold him, and love him.

Things are pretty quiet here today. The people have calmed down quite a bit so that there isn't any real drama. Today, I'm going to do my regular things to pretty myself up, but I also need to fulfill an oath that I must do while still here. The other can be done while I'm there, though it'll be kind of a pain in the ass, but this one (the most important) needs to be here. The weather is beautiful for a hike, and I'm hoping it holds out until I'm ready to go. I also need to finish the sewing project that is largely done already. It's just a few details that should only take me about 30 minutes or so. And then there's more of the beautification. And if it's still nice later, I think I'll sit outside with a warm beverage and enjoy the evening.

I'm unsure how often I'll be writing while I'm gone (which will be a bit over two weeks). When I get back, it will hopefully be to get everything together to move. Honestly, I'm both scared and excited about that. I don't know what awaits me, and there is some sadness in the idea of saying good bye to the place I grew up. But I'm ready. Ready to take on a new adventure. Very ready to be close to my love. And ready to challenge myself.

It Went Well... But Then...

I set my alarm for 9am this morning so I could wake up, get my brain together, and be ready for 10am. I remember the alarm going off once and hitting the snooze button. Well, I wake up and check the time, and it's 9:39. I jump up, saying "oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap!" over and over again while I'm looking for my pants. It's then that I realise I don't have to BE anywhere, or even be dressed, so I relax a bit. Grab the phone and a notebook and put them in front of the computer, bring up my resume on the screen, and sit there. I stare at the phone and wait... and wait... until about 10 after 10 when it rings. Slowly, I pick it up and it begins.

It actually ended up going pretty well. They want me to come in for an assessment test, which is an hour and a half of computer simulation goodness. Problem is I have to figure out how to get up there for that, since I won't have a car. If I wait until late next week, I can just rent the car early for our trip and drive that up. There's still the anxiety of whether my car will make it out there in the first place. If I have no car, I'm pretty much screwed on that job. That's why I'm still holding out hope for finding something in town and near a bus route. But if I keep worrying, I'm going to end up shooting myself in the foot somehow.

So, where I'm at now: I'm about half-packed for my trip, got one interview lined up (though I have to figure out how I can get there, and when I'll be able to do it and get back to them), and I'm sitting here with about 39 hours to go not getting anything accomplished. Awesome. OH! And let's not forget someone has swung back to the other side of rationality. It's been quite a ride today. Just looking forward to getting out of town and having some fun. Also looking forward to hopefully having some more interviews, so I can justify this whole trip to the person who thinks I'm trying to "have my cake and eat it too".

Well, I should get that sewing project I promised to do, done. I'm not sure why I seem to think I'm much more awesome than I actually am, or that I can do everything at the last minute. I procrastinate too damn much.