I just can't seem to get myself motivated this weekend. I packed a few small things and made a half-assed packing list yesterday, but that'a about it. I haven't even been able to get outside to take a walk. I think I really need to force myself to do something productive. I've got less than two weeks until I leave for my visit, and I've gotten almost nothing done.
I feel like I need to be accountable to other people in order to get things done. I've been so scattered lately that I 'm even looking at other things while I write here. It takes me three times as long as it should to write, or to do anything for that matter. Right now, I am sitting here in the room that is sort of my staging are for the things I need to do. My computer is here, the stuff I was working on to sell for my ex is here, there are boxes (mostly empty), and things I still need to go through to pack. Eventually, I'm hoping this room will hold a nice little stack of packed, labeled and taped up boxes. Hahahahahaha! The way it looks right now, I'm not holding out much hope. I just spent about a minute after I wrote that last sentence scanning the room for things I could wrap and pack in the currently 1/2 full box of fragile things. Not good... not good at all.
Today is when I reveal another truth about myself to the world: my self-deprecation and how easy it is for me to just throw my hands up and say "eff it!". Many years ago, I got into such a state and it took me over three years to get out of it. In that time, I accomplished almost nothing, save for planting the seeds that would later destroy my marriage, digging myself into a huge hole emotionally, and watching the entirety of Judging Amy 5 times on syndicated television. It was a bad time. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to go out, and I certainly didn't do anything for myself. These days, it's usually only a day wasted on those thoughts. But when one only has ten days, that kind of loss is not a good idea at all.
But again, my faux ADD strikes again. I spent a few moments while writing that last paragraph contemplating why we don't write our "g" the way it looks when typed. Then I tried to commit the "g" to memory so I could start writing it that way. And then I started wondering why I was even sitting here writing in the first place. I like remembering my frame of mind during important (for me) parts of my life, and honestly, I'd love it if people read this one. But then I wondered how it would further my life. And that wasted more time. Haha I'm on the merry-go-round of questions and doubt, and I can't seem to jump off.
So how is this really doing anything to further my quest? My hope is that, by being honest with myself, I'll see these "shoot thyself in the foot" whirlpools I get into and stop them before I get flushed. Today, I NEED to get that one fragile box, that has been sitting in the footpath half empty being tripped on, filled and taped closed. I want to get the box of books closed up, labeled, and out of the way. I have to get up, get dressed, and go to the store. I'd love to get a walk in at some point (though, walking around the store will count enough for me at this point). I also must get the box of cards packed and ready to ship tomorrow morning. That's income, you know! I want more interesting things to write about. I want to be able to share what I AM doing to get there, not what I'm doing to sabotage myself.
So, my promise to everyone who may be reading this (or just to myself if it's just me here), that I'll get those two boxes done, and get myself dressed and to the store. I also will get the cards ready to go. Tonight or tomorrow, I will report back. Off I go to face the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!
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