Fear

Many of the details are fuzzy, but the worst ones are the ones I see when I close my eyes.

<They came seemingly out of nowhere, three or four of them. A hand reached around and I saw a flash of metal, just before his blood splashed across my chest. His mouth tried to form words, but no sound came out. His eyes huge and screaming, pleaded with me to run but I couldn't leave him. As he fell, I reached out and tried to catch him, but more hands appeared and grabbed my arms. I pulled at the restraints, not to free myself, but to get closer to him. I could see his breath escaping from the bubbling tear in his throat, the fatal spring staining his beard a garish red.

A hand was tight around my arm, another tearing at the front of my coat, a third clamped itself around my screaming mouth. I saw strange, angry faces at the periphery of my view, but my eyes were locked on his. I tried to will the bleeding to stop, tried to will myself to his side. I heard nothing but his labored breathing and his voice (though in my head) screaming at me to get away and get to safety. I slowly became aware that I was exposed to the cold air, hands all over me. I saw his eyes become angry as he tried to stand up. He clawed himself toward me, more blood hitting the ground with each exertion. Tears ran down my face as I begged him to go find help while I distracted them. I didn't care what they did to me, as long as I could hold him again.>

This is part of a dream I had a few nights ago. The worst part of it is not that happened to me, but what happened to him. I keep seeing it in my mind's eye, him bleeding, the pain in his eyes...

But the part I won't forget is that, even though he was horribly wounded, he still did everything he could to save me. I believe that part to be true, that he would do anything in his power to protect me and keep me safe. I believe that he loves me as much as I love him. And I believe that he's as happy with me as i am with him.

But a conversation we had earlier in the week reminded me how close we came to not being here together. The way I should look at that is that we are meant to be here, not to mention the fact that we ARE here! But I've become so afraid that I'm going to do something that is going to destroy it all, that my own insecurity is going to hurt him. I feel like a tremendous ass, but for some reason, the insecurity has kicked into full gear and I'm worried about the self-fulfilling prophesy. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, that I'm failing at being better.

I know that he loves me, that he is happy with me, and that he feels I'm a good addition to his life. But I'm so afraid that I'm going to somehow drag him down. I feel like I've done it before to other people and I never want to do anything to hurt him, ever.

Though that's just what I'm going to do if I keep dwelling on the fears and insecurities. I want to be here and with him for the rest of my life. I am not going to let myself indulge in this idiocy for much longer. I've got so much to be thankful for. I have no right or reason to worry about it so much.